A Comedy About Halo That Might Become A Series If It Gets Good Ratings
Posted By: Conrad Lauf<firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: 25 April 2004, 6:03 AM
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is a comedy. Yes, a COMEDY, and anyone who pesters the comments page with irritating comments about incorrect information in the story, like:
"Hey! Elites can't talk!" or "Why would such a corrupt and stupid man be put in charge of the lives of six other individuals?" will be told this:
"WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF IMAGINATION YOU HUMORLESS BASTARDS?"
P.S. I apologise if I offend anyone in this story (which I doubt I will) and anyone having the same name as the following characters can be assured that I by no means wish to single them out.
And now on with the show...
LOCATION: A rainforest on a planet that no-one gives a shit about
TIME: In the future
SERGEANT Enternamehere unloaded an entire MA5B clip into the humanoid silhouette coming over the ridge with a bellow of rage and defiance, until he realized it was Romano, his scout returning from a reconnaissance mission.
"Now you've done it Sarge!" said Jack, unanimously hated for his brains and annoying shrill, wheezy voice. Enternamehere spun around and slammed the butt of his assault rifle into Jack's jaw, mistaking him for a grunt in the fading light because of his voice.
Enternamehere stared at the two corpses of his marines, and looked up at the remaining four members of his squad. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. He opened it, lifted 100 dollars' worth of notes out and said, "Here's twenty-five bucks for each of you. They were attacked by Flood combat forms. We couldn't save them, right?"
"Uh, sure thing Sarge!" said Private Lipos Uction, the most greedy and obese man in the squad, reaching for the money with his grubby, fat-covered hands.
"What about you, Joey? Want some hush-money too?"
A lanky, pale-faced marine shook his head. "No Sarge. It's tainted cash. I can't take it."
"Okay then, Joey," said Enternamehere, reaching slowly for his pistol holster – and realized he didn't have his M6D assault pistol since he lent it to his son for Show-and-Tell at school.
"Mendoza, give me your pistol," whispered Enternamehere out of the corner of his mouth. Private Mendoza, Enternamehere's trusty right-hand man tossed it to him.
"Here Joey, here's some slightly different cash. It's made of metal like normal money, except it moves too fast for you to grab. Here it is!" And with that he whipped out the pistol and with one shot Joey was also 'attacked by Flood combat forms'.
"Now Bill, here's twenty-five bucks. Take it or you're also a Flood victim."
Private William Belle hastily grabbed for the notes and stuffed them into his pocket.
"Now," said Enternamehere with a relaxed sigh. "What were we doing again?"
"We were assaulting a Covenant stronghold," said Mendoza, "Remember?"
"Oh yeah," replied Enternamehere, nodding.
"Where is that?" asked Lipos Uction, having already destroyed his map after using it as a napkin.
Mendoza sighed and pointed between a pair of trees. "That way," he said.
"About half an hour away. We had better get going."
Enternamehere knocked on the door again with his right hand, tossing a grenade into the air repeatedly while he waited. A deep, resonant voice asked, "Who is it?"
Enternamehere replied, "Er, we're here to test your gullibility and get you to let us in so we can slaughter your entire stronghold's population. Is that okay with you?"
Mendoza smacked Enternamehere over the back of the head.
The elite answered, "Okay. Hang on, we'll let you in like the readers want us to! Although the place is a bit of a mess."
With a soft hiss the door started to open. Enternamehere pulled out his assault rifle and held it one-handed in his right hand. As the door opened he pulled the grenade's pin – and threw the rifle in through the entrance. He dove to the earth outside, and pressed his hands - including the one holding the unpinned grenade – to his head, shouting, "Fire in the hole!"
The other three marines followed suite, except they leapt away into the opposite direction as Enternamehere. They heard a "BOOM-SPLAT!" and stood up as flak armour, shrapnel and pieces of Enternamehere rained from the sky.
"Look, Mendoza! Gore angels!" said Lipos Uction, spreading his wide frame onto the ground where the exploded remains of Enternamehere lay, and waved his arms and legs frantically.
"Dammit!" yelled Mendoza, pulling at his hair. "I can't believe what just happened! Entername still owed me five bucks! That sneaky bastard!"
The End - Of what MAY become the first chapter of a series of strange and sick adventures surounding the Halo universe