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LORD OF THE NOSES: Leaving Frag End
Posted By: Chuckles
Date: 18 July 2004, 12:43 AM

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I wasn't going to post any more of these, but some of you actually liked The Wizards Duel, so I decided to post this one too. Hope you like it.

LORD OF THE NOSES: Leaving Frag End

Fresh from a night of gaming at the Green Fraggin, Turpo Fraggins, the venerable HalfNoob, returned to Frag End, his home. The door was ajar, and the windows were open. Suddenly, out of the darkness behind him a hand seized his shoulder and spun him around. "Is it secret? Is it safe?" It was his old friend and wizard-gamer, Lexicus the Red.

Turpo called his dog. "Here Fedex, here boy!" The wizard heard the dog, but saw nothing, until Turpo grabbed the invisible animal and yanked off the Nose of Power. Lexicus looked at him sternly, and then used his staff to bat the Nose into the small living room fireplace.

"What are you doing?" Turpo asked, as his small Dachshund snapped at Lexicus and then leaped into the flames to recover the Nose. Pulling the dog from the fire, the wizard stuffed a plasma grenade into its mouth and sent it flying out the nearest window. He then grabbed the nose with a pair of tongs. "Hold out your hands Turpo, it is quite cool. What can you see? Can you see anything?" Turpo's lips moved soundlessly, and then stammering he said, "My d-d-dog . . . y-y-you st-sticky bombed it . . . THAT WAS AWESOME!"

"Focus Turpo!" barked Lexicus. "Can you read anything on the Nose?"

"Nothing. There's nothing." Lexicus began to sigh in relief, but then Turpo said, "Wait. There are markings. Its some form of clownish. I can't read it."

"There are few who can. The language is that of Gulchdor, which I will not utter here."

"Gulchdor?" Turpo turned pale, even for a HalfNoob. The wizard continued.

"In the common tongue it says One Nose to rule them all, One Nose to snag them. One Nose to bring them all and in the darkness frag them. "

(They moved silently to the kitchen for a nice cup of tea)

"This is the One Nose. Made by the Dark Clown Chuckles in the madness of Tent Doom. Taken by Grapeshot from the face of Chuckles himself."

Turpo staring blankly at the Nose, said "Jako found it. In Stumpy's campsite."

"Yes" answered the wizard, "For sixty years the Nose lay quiet in Jako's keeping, increasing his frags, aiding his aim. But no longer, Turpo. Evil is stirring in Gulchdor. The Nose has awoken. Its heard its master's chuckle." Turpo looked up in sudden fear.

"But he was destroyed. Chuckles was destroyed."

"No, Turpo. The spirit of Chuckles endured. His clowning is bound to the Nose, and the Nose survived. Chuckles has returned. His clowns have multiplied and Tent Doom is rebuilt in the land of Gulchdor. Chuckles needs only this Nose to cover all the gamers in a second lagging. He is seeking it, seeking it, all his thought is bent on it. The Nose yearns above all else to return to the face of its master. They are one, the Nose and the Dark Clown. Turpo, he must never find it."

Jumping to his feet and grabbing the Nose, Turpo said, "We put it away, we keep it hidden. We never speak of it again."

Just then a neighbor walked in, and said, "Turpo, can I borrow the Nose of Power again? Gotta do some gaming tomorrow, and I promise not to keep it for weeks on end like last time." Turpo was speechless under the glare of the wizard. The neighbor took his silence as a no. "Hey, you let everyone else borrow it! Ain't a player in the Pile that hasn't had that Nose for a month or more! Cmon! Where's the precious?!"

Turpo tossed him from the house as Lexicus readied another grenade.

"No one else knows about it, do they ? Do they Lexicus?"

"There is one other who knew that Jako had the Nose. I looked everywhere for the sniper Stumpy, but Chuckles found him first. I don't know how long they tickled him. Amidst the endless laughing and insane giggling, they discerned two words:
"Elip! Sniggarf!"

Turpo looked at Gandalf with fear. "Elip. Sniggarf. But that . . . doesnt make any sense."

"Blast!" the wizard said embarrassed. "I had the silly script upside down. Okay, again, from the top . . . "

"Oh lemme see . . . Pile, Fraggins! That will lead them here! Take it Lexicus! Take it!"

"No Turpo, no!" the wizard exclaimed, stumbling backwards to avoid the Nose.

"You must take it!"

"You cannot offer me this Nose!"

"But I am giving it to you!"

"Don't tempt me Turpo!" Lexicus said. The HalfNoob shrank back in disbelief. "I dare not take it. Not even to frag a lot . Understand Turpo, I would use this Nose from the desire to game good. But through me, it would wield an insane, unstoppable, almighty game-bot-from-hell fragging power too great and terrible to imag . . . maybe I could take care of it for you." An evil smile spread across his face. "Why don't you just hand old Lex that Nose and be done with it. Hand it to me! Stop! Now! GET BACK HERE YOU USELESS SELF-FRAGGING NOOB!"

Suddenly coming to his senses, Lexicus apologized, and took his long fingers from around the frightened HalfNoobs neck. "I don't know what came over me. Where were we?"

"But it can't stay in the Frag Pile!" Turpo choked out, still feeling the pinch of the wizard's grip on his throat.

"No! No it can't." Lexicus responded gravely.

"What must I do?"

"Get out of the Pile. Make for the village of Splork . I'll be waiting for you at the Inn of the Bounding Warthog .

"And the Nose will be safe there?" the HalfNoob asked hopefully.

"I don't know Turpo. I don't have any answers. I must see the head of my order. He is both wise and powerful. He wouldn't turn against us in a billion years. Trust me Turpo, Nathan the Blue will know what to do. Then the wizard looked upon this selfless HalfNoob with loving eyes. "My dear Turpo. Noobies really are amazing creatures! You can learn all that there is to know about their skills in ten minutes, and yet after a hundred respawns, they can still surprise you."

Off in the distance they heard a wheezing, sneezing, nasal sound, too hideous to describe. The Schnozgul (Nosewraiths) were coming . . .

C.T. Clown