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LORD OF THE NOSES: The Wizards Duel
Posted By: Chuckles
Date: 14 July 2004, 7:07 PM

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One of the members of the Grand Rapids FragPile begged me to write a Halo version of Lord of the Rings. I wrote a few installments, but got bored with it because it has nothing to do with Halo (who knew?). I was hesitant to post this, but what the heck. Lexicus is Gandalf; Nate is Saruman; Chuckles is Sauron. You can figure the rest out easily enough. Oh, and this is meant to be comedy. Quite a departure from my usual.


Nathan the Blue: Laughter rises from Tent Doom. The hour grows late and Lexicus the Red rides to Lisenfraud seeking my counsel. For that is why you have come, is it not, my old friend?

Lexicus the Red: (taking off his helmet and bowing his head he speaks reverently) Nathan . . .

(They go walking on the grounds, and we hear them talking in mid conversation)

Nathan: You are sure of this?

Lexicus: Beyond any doubt.

Nathan: So you'll be able to have an AR in each hand! Wow. Halo2 will rock! I hope it comes out on PC quick. Have I told you about the screaming connection I have in the Tower of Orcspanc? Me and my buds get speeds of up to--I'm sorry, I get carried away at times. Was there anything else?

Lexicus: Well, there is the small matter of the Nose of Power. It shouldn't take long to tell. You see . . .

(They walk and talk some more. We hear them again in mid conversation)

Nathan: So the Nose of Power has been found . . .

Lexicus: All these long years it as been in the Frag Pile, under my very nose! Get it? Under my nose . . .

(Nathan raises a ridiculously bushy eyebrow at Lexicus)

Nathan: And yet you did not have the wit to see it. Your love for the HalfNoob frag-fests has clearly spoiled your aim!

Lexicus: But we still have time, time enough to counter Chuckles, if we move quickly . . .

Nathan: Time? What time do you think we have?

(They move from outside into Nathan's study in Orcspanc)

Chuckles has regained much of his former strength. He cannot yet bend spoons with his mind, but his humor has lost none of its potency. Concealed within Tent Doom, the Lord of Gulchdor sees all . . . His scope pierces clouds, shadows, warthogs and tanks.

You know of what I speak, Lexicus.
A great Sniper Rifle, belching flame . . .

Lexicus: The SR of Chuckles . . .

Nathan: He is gathering all evil gamers to him. Very soon he will have gathered an army great enough to launch an assault on The Seventh Column.

Lexicus: You know this? How?

Nathan: Okay, I admit it, I look at the other guy's screen when I play. We all do it. I was at Tent Doom the other day doing some one-on-one with the Chuckster and . . .

Lexicus: (Staring at Nathan in horror) You . . . you LOOK AT THE OTHER GUY'S SCREEN?! (Then slapping an 'L' on his forehead with his finger and thumb he turned to leave)

Nathan: The hour is later than you think. Chuckles' forces are already moving. The Nine have left Minas Snorgul.

Lexicus: The Nine?

Nathan: They crossed the river Lisen on Midsummer's Eve, disguised as invisible clowns driving warthogs. Kind of stupid when you think about it, shameful waste of invisibility . . .

Lexicus: They've reached the Frag Pile!

Nathan: They will find the Nose, and and FRAG the one who carries it.

Lexicus: Turpo!

Nathan: You did not seriously think that a Noobie could contend with the will of Chuckles. There are none who can. Against the power of Gulchdor there can be no frags, no caps, no victory.

We must join him, Lexicus. We must join Chuckles. Think of the CTF team we could have! You and Hogg on offense, me and the Dark Lord Chuckles on defense. They couldn't buy a cap.

It would be wise my friend . . .

Lexicus: Tell me, 'friend', when did Nathan the Blue give up offense for defense? I mean it could work with you on D, I just never thought you would do it. Maybe . . . . naaaah. You're a mad fool!

(they engage in an epic battle of gaming wizards. Walls crumble . . . lightning flashes . . . the ground shakes. Finally, Nathan gets the better of Lexicus)

Nathan: You have become very powerful, my young padawan!

Lexicus: (slapping the L on his forehead again) Wrong script, chief!

Nathan: Oh . . . I gave you the chance of aiding me willingly, but you have elected the way of PAIN!!

(Nathan then loads Lexicus' computer full of Microsoft software, and plugs it into his screaming internet connection without a firewall! It all fades to black as Lex's computer is invaded by all manner of malicious code, and the game freezes up)

C.T. Clown