When Games Collide: The Tournament of the Century
Posted By: Brent Carmichael<firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: 31 May 2003, 7:38 PM
Postal 2 is property of Running With Scissors, Return to Castle Wolfenstein is property of id Software, Inc. And Halo is property of both Bungie and Microsoft (Don't want to get sued by ol' Bill!)
The Postal Dude Gets Sucked
Paradise, Arizona- Present Time
Standing in line at the Lucky Ganesh, the Postal Dude had with him a shotgun, a machine gun, and a shovel, all of which he carries in his back pouch. The air surrounding him is hot and humid, and all the people in the whole city could be described in one phrase: "Jerks."
Earlier in the morning, the Postal Dude's wife had given him a list of errands to run. Ever since he's moved to Paradise, there's been nothing but rotten sin and bad luck. The Postal Dude moved there to work with the video game company in town, Running With Scissors, but after getting stoned pretty badly after the first day and barely remembering where the office was the next morning, they gave him his paycheck and coldly uttered the words "You're fired."
The bad luck hadn't ended there. Throughout the week, video game protestors opened fire in the Running With Scissors office complex, almost killing the Postal Dude. After that raid, he went to the Fee of America bank to cash in his check. He did, and after he received his cash, the bank was robbed by a group of men dressed in black suits and wearing skiing masks. Again, he escaped without a scratch. It seemed as if the Postal Dude had nine lives.
The next day, his wife made him take back her library book ("The B**** can't even read!" complained the Postal Dude) to the local library. And what a living Hell that was- literally. Inside the library, protestors protested against books saying that they were evil and continually shouted "Save a tree! Burn a book!" After returning the library book and paying a late fee of forty dollars, the protestors decided to burn the books- along with the library. Pouring gasoline all over the place, they lit a match and Hell was created. Again, as faith would have it, the Postal Dude escaped with his life with some "minor burns".
The line was moving slowly. Habib, the Indian owner of the Lucky Ganesh, watched everyone with an eagle eye. The Postal Dude decided to check his appearance. His black leather boots were finely shined, his blue jeans ironed, his dark green alien shirt was washed, his sunglasses were clean, his hair combed, his goatee shaved carefully, and his black leather trench coat finely pressed.
"Oh, yeah!" he said quietly to himself.
After about three minutes or so, the Postal Dude had moved up. You see, the Lucky Ganesh is the best place in Paradise to buy great international food. And nothing beats its infamous goat-collected Jihad milk, which the Postal Dude was in line to buy.
Noticing that the girl in front of him had her nose buried in a People's magazine, the Postal Dude saw this as the prime opportunity to cut in front of her. He first strafed left a little, and then walked forward, and strafed right, never looking at her face.
Well, she suddenly noticed that he made his way in front of her.
"Hey! Idiot!" she said, criss-crossing her arms to form a lower case "T" and giving the Postal Dude the finger.
"End of the line, infidel!" ordered Habib from behind his steel caged surrounding.
The Postal Dude moaned. "You gotta be f****** kidding!" And so he moved to the back of the line, two places behind where he originally stood.
But things didn't seem normal. A light breeze swooshed from behind the Postal Dude's back. Slowly turning around, he saw something that was by all means, abnormal, even by Paradise's standards. A black circle was forming out of thin air, and it was getting larger every second.
By now the entire store stopped what they were doing to look at the blue circle. Habib yanked out the Quran and started mumbling to himself.
The black circle had extended from the floor all the way up to the ceiling. Habib dropped the Holy book and yanked out his machine gun. A couple of people ran out of the store, screaming. But the Postal Dude kept his cool.
"What the..." he began.
He was never able to finish that sentence because out of nowhere, a huge gust of wind began sucking him into the circle.
He was unable to finish that sentence too because at the particular time, he was sucked inside the circle and spiraled his way into where no man's gone before.
As quickly as it had happened, it was over with. The black circle had shrunk down to nothing, and the Lucky Ganesh was as quiet as could be.
"It is Allah's wrath against you, infidel! Next in line please!" said Habib, after the Postal Dude was sucked.
Castle Wolfenstein, Northern Germany Mountains- 1943
Hiding behind a wall, B.J. Blazkowics was holding his Thompson with a firm grip, ready to jump out into the open and eliminate a squad of Nazi personnel. He checked his gun for ammo, and realizing that it was fully loaded, he hugged the wall, ready to jump out.
Without a trip or a fall, B.J. jumped out into the open...
In Chapter 2, B.J. Blazkowics, famous ally war hero of World War II, finds himself in the oddest of all positions... (Game based off of: Return to Castle Wolfenstein)
We meet the Master Chief as he battles off a small Covenant platoon, but soon discovers things have just gotten worse. (Game based off of: Halo)