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Fan Fiction

Empty Weapon - A Comedy
Posted By: John Boscia<bosciaj@va.prestige.net>
Date: 03 September 2000, 2:27 am

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There was a beautiful woman. She was waving to me. I ran as fast as I could. She went into her motel room and I couldn't wait. Then I woke up and sat up too fast and slammed my head on the ceiling. Two of the guys were playing music as loud as possible. "Can you turn that shit down! I'm trying to get some sleep." "Well good morning sunshine!" Jake replied. Then Tom cut in, "Have a nice nap?" "Shut the hell up!" I got up and hopped down from my bunk. "What time is it?" I asked. "11:25." I WAS LATE! The captain said he wanted to see me at 11:00. I grabbed some clothes, put 'em on and ran. Then the door was supposed to be automaticly but for some reason it wasn't and I slammed my head into that too. "OOOOOWWWWWWWW! Why didn't it open?" Jake reminded me, "Yesterday's power surge. Still isn't fixed." "Crap! I hate those mechcanics." I opened the door and ran. I was thinking about that woman in my dream. Oh how I would have loved to.... never mind. I finally got to the captains quarters. When I opened the door he was glueing his eyes shut! "What are you doing captain?" He ran to his sink and washed it out. "Nothing. Nothing at all." He was very nervous. He rushed over to me and whispered, "Forget you ever saw that ok? I will have you removed. I WILL CUT YOUR HEAD.." "OK! Ok, I forgot it already!" He said ok and backed off. "You wanted to see me sir?" "Oh, yes. I've got a mission for you. I want you to got under cover and.... clean...... the Toilets! They're fiflhly!" "Clean The Toilets! Why Me? Can't you get a janitor to do it or something." "You took your sweet ass time getting here so you clean the toilets. Now don't disobey me. You know what I can do!" I said yes and he handed me a tooth brush. I knew you this was gonna turn out to be the worst day in my life. It was only a matter of time before one of the guys found me and called everyone in. And they did. "Hey James, can you clean the crap off my ass so I don't have to get your precious toilets dirty?" A howl of laughter erupted. This went on for a half an hour. Then the alarm sounded. The captains voice came on. "All soilders report to loading deck." Then he added, "That means you too poop boy!" They laughed again and I was raging mad. We all got to the loading deck and the captain was waiting. "Take your seats men. We just got word that a huge army of alien covnent was heading this way. So we gots to kill 'em." The captain laid out a map. "Ok. I want some here, here, here, here, and some guys here. Then I want you guys here, here, here, and here." Then Mike stood up confused. "Where is "Here"? You weren't pointing any where on the map." "Ok then mister smarty pants, you arrange the troops." Mike replied, "OK!" He then told us where to go and what to do. It was a brillant plan. The captain wasn't to happy and said, "Oh shut up. Do whatever he said ok? Now just in case this doesn't work, I've thought of an alternate plan. We send James over there and clean the toilets as a sign of good helpfulness." They all laughed again and I got ever more mad. The captain gave us the orders to wait at the base entrance. We got there and turned on our radios. "Ok men, we've just got word on how many there are. Now don't freak out. 1,000!" Jake fainted and Lewis turned to me and said, "James, can you clean my butt, I crapped my self. Seriluosly!" They bauwled out laughing and I began to think that I would never live it down. We saw the army and waited. The captain alerted us, "They want to speak to someone important. Poop Boy, get out there." I blocked out any noise cause I couldn't take their laughing anymore. I ran out in the rain and met the enemy general. "Hello. I represent the marines. What do you want." "YOU!" He tripped me and I was on the ground. He took out an energy pistol and pointed it at my head. He pulled the trigger and it clicked. He looked at his weapon. He tried again. Same old clicking. "I've got an empty weapon!" Awww shit!" You good hero guys always win. I'm leaving. You can have the stupid planet. I didn't like it anyway." The entire race of covnent packed up and left in cargo ships. Someone in the base said, "Yeah?" I walked back a hero.

The End. No really, The End. I'm not kidding. It's over. That was the end of the story. ............No, No it wasn't but my fingers are hurting a bit.