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My Life as a Grunt
Posted By: Alpha Lance
Date: 2 November 2003, 8:45 AM

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[Editor's note: The original title was 'My Life as a Grunt (some stupid crap I wrote at 2:00 A.M./comedy, kinda, but it isn't that funny)' - I yanked the stuff at the end, because long titles make a mess of the formatting, and this one didn't even have a reasonable excuse. - lwu]

I'm sorry if there are any errors, but I wrote this 2:00 at night. I took my time, I looked over it, and I'm sorry it is short. But this story is about the Grunt Sacktap. Enjoy.

My Life as a Grunt (some stupid crap I wrote at 2:00 A.M./comedy, kinda, but it isn't that funny)

      Hi, I am Sacktap. This is a recording of me incase I died, an autobiography you might say. Well it is an autobiography, I will tell you about my life. I grew up on a distanced planet, yes; it's an ice planet. I grew up in the moluopts (ghetto) and I was part of a gang called the leebs, (Grunt's version of the Bloods) and they called me Sacktap. Mostly because my name is too long, which my real name is 'Zamameeothastopdchokeondick. It is pronounce like this, 'Zamamee-otha-stop-d-choke-on-dick. I also like to listen to music, like my Dr. Zae CD.

      I would also get into fights. One time I got into a fight with some kid, I tore him up, and when I was done, I gave a loud victory rap:

Don't mess with the kimp (pimp in Grunt)
For I bring the pain
Bustin' up them veins
Can't mess with me
I own this ground
I bite faster than the speed of sound
This is my playground
I'm one tough mofo in this crazy town
I'll take away your crown
Then I'll become the king
Of bling-bling
Ya hear, now believe that
Word life!

      Yup, I was the king. Soon after people called me the lady-killer. 'Cause just look at my looks, I was the best looking out of everyone. Yeah, I use to do the drugs, some times I would get high and run off a bolder and it would look like I'm flying. Nope, I was fallen, one time I almost ran off a cliff. But my friend stopped me. Then I just quit, yes, quit, no rehab, just quit.

      Well, a while after, the war started and I was force to fight. I actually live longer than most Grunts. Their average life cycle when they where in the war was only 30 units (3 weeks in Earth time). I also got the Grunt of the week award, 'cause I went out and fought as the other Grunts staid behind drinking their nipple drinks. They would drink their Mountain Nipple Light, vanilla flavor, their Root Nipple, and beer. But I was one of the best. The strongest, the fastest, the smartest. You name it. All of the Elites would look up to me. Yup.

      I remember one mission where I was in North America, in New York City. I was just walking through and I saw this guy running around with no armor on. I hide behind a car and listen to some Marines, they said, "look at Micheal, he is so drunk he is running around in his birthday suit."

      And the Marine so-called Micheal had this thing on what I believe they call a lampshade over his head. The so-called Micheal stopped and started to have this yellow stuff to come out of a tube. At the same time, he yelled, "Who's the boss now!" So I got tired and I killed everyone except Micheal which he had ran off at the time yelling, "You can't catch me you CLB (creepy little bastard)!" I should have got him, but I killed five Marines on my own. Like I said, I'm the best.

      There was this other time where I ran into this Marine that yelled, "Earth rules!"

      But I said, "Earth my ass." So I shot him, what I tell you, I'm the king of bling, bling. There were times I got into arguments with another Grunt. He would say:

      "You suck, I'm the best."

      "No you're not!"

      "At least I get nipple feeding five times a day."

      "No wonder you're so fat. You're bigger than J'Lo's ass."

      "What," he said.

      "You heard me."

      There is time I would have to save an Elite's tail. He would say:

      "Come save me from the humans."

      "I'm on my way."

      Than I would get there, save'em, he would be so thankful that he would kneel down and kiss my feet. I'm the king, I have this motto too, "If you are in trouble and you need a savoir. Call the man which is me." I'm their savoir, the king, and the best. Sometimes when I'm off duty, I would play this game, which is the best game ever. It is called, Glass'em: Earth Glassing Evolve. It takes place during the war, and you play as a Covenant soldier, any breed. And you can pilot ships and just glass the Earth. Or go down to Earth and glass everyone there yourself. It's the best game ever.

      When I'm on duty, I would lead the Brigade to victory. 'Cause I'm the best. I would shoot every human before an Elite can even shoot a plasma bolt. All of the Marines fear me, and I'm also called the Spartan Killer. I killed this one Spartan named John, then another named Shadow. But what can I say, I'm the best. Well, this is my last word for today, I got a mission in Britain. I win for everyone, of coarse.

      This was an autobiography from the Grunt named Sacktap. But everything in this autobiography is a lie. His motto is actually, "running away with my tail between my legs." He was the lowest, weakest, dumbest, slowest Grunt ever. That day on his mission in Britain, he was trying to hide but the marine found him. He was interrogated, and he was smuttier to death by J'Lo's ass. He actually live only one week.