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Chapter 6: Party Time

Cortana: Good work reclaiming this beer, boys. Reclaiming... reclaimer... so THAT'S why the Monitor always called you Reclaimer!
MC: Yeah, that makes sense. Now why the hell are you bringing that up? Hey! A hot pilot chick! He chases after her drunkenly, she slaps him to little effect, since he's still in his MJOLNIR battle armour. The party rages on for a few hours, but eventually all the beer is finished and everyone begins to leave. The engineers were among the heaviest drinkers, and the last to leave.
Keyes: Good work, Master Chief. It's nice to see we've got a soldier with initiative on board this ship. That HALO brand beer was excellent. Leans back in his chair and falls asleep. He snores contentedly, with empties strewn around him. The bridge crew do likewise, and even the Chief and the MK are unconscious on the floor.
Durandal: I only wish I was human...
Cortana: Are you mad? Human?
Durandal: Oh sure, they're weak and fragile and all, but they get to drink beer.
Cortana: Yeah, that's true. Though having said that - look! Do you really want to lie unconscious on the ground with cans all around you?
Durandal: Hmm... I suppose not. Being an AI is cool.
After about half an hour, an alarm goes off. Keyes sits up in a panic.
Keyes: Cortana! Report!
Cortana: I don't believe it! The engines have gone critical!
Keyes: What in the hell? Cortana, get me a channel to Engineering. Steve, what's going on?
Steve (through radio): Um, well, Captain... one of our junior engineers, ah... let's say he enjoyed that beer a bit much, and, well, someone screamed 'FROG BLAST THE VENT CORE!' and he kind of took it seriously.
Keyes: What the hell? Why didn't you stop him?
Steve: Well, sir, we would have, but we didn't seriously think he could do it. And I had 20 bucks betting that he WOULD do it. You're going to demote me, aren't you...
Keyes: Nope. In fact, I'm promoting you to Admiral of the Fleet.
Steve: Really?!
Keyes: Absolutely. (To Cortana) Would you please seal off the engine room?
Cortana: Already been done.
Keyes: Well, Admiral, you're in the fusion core of my ship, and it's about to detonate. See you in hell. Everyone, abandon ship. Now.
General panic as everyone flees to the lifeboats. Once people reach Halo, a headcount is taken.
Keyes: Cortana, all I need to know is how many people didn't make it?
Cortana: Remarkably, all except for the Chief Engineer made it. Steve, the Chief Engineer was our only loss.
Keyes: Excellent.
MC: God it was tough getting off the Pillar of Autumn. Remind me never to try that again after drinking that much beer.
MK: Tell me about it. I swear my assault rifle was actually shooting straight.
MC: Why were you firing?
MK: My trigger finger kept slipping.
MC: Oh right.
MK: Well, to be honest, I was kind of enjoying wrestling it, the recoil on that gun makes firing it like wrestling a greased pig. And anyway, there were all these people in the way, and they wouldn't let me through, so I had to shoot em.
MC: You could probably have just asked...
MK: Shooting's more fun. Want a try?
MC: I think I'll pass. Oh shit, who are all those people over there? Points at a huge crowd of people approaching. They come to a halt, and one man walks forward out of the mass. That man is Marty O'Donnell.
Marty: Well, I'm back, everyone.
MC: I wasn't aware you were gone.
Marty: I was off composing a piece of music for you. I felt that we needed a special MC-MK theme, none of my music seemed to fit, so I wrote one especially. Marty Army, are we ready? The mass of people, now understood to be the Marty Army, all pull out instruments and begin playing.
Cortana: Maybe it's just me, but I swear this sounds like a mix between Marty O'Donnell and Power Of Seven.
Durandal: Nah, Marty would never hire those amateurs.
Cortana: Amateurs? They did your theme song, remember.
Durandal: By amateurs I of course meant wonderful musicians.
Everyone sits down to listen to the rather lengthy piece. Marty suddenly jumps up and begins waving his arms. Someone finally works out that he is conducting, and begins singing. Everyone joins in, by some trick of the acoustics they all manage to sing exactly what he wanted them to. When the piece finishes, Latekid stands up.
Latekid: Right! I've got that recorded.
Marty: Excellent work. We're putting that on the Halothon soundtrack. Master Chief? MK IV? Can I please ask you two to take this CD to the duplication company and get several hundred thousand copies made?
MC: Sure.
MK: Certainly.
Monitor: I'm afraid that's out of the question, really.
Cortana: Oh, hell.
Monitor: Someone has released the Flood!
MC: Shit, you're kidding me.
Monitor: They must not escape this installation.
MC: Wait. You've said that one before. There's no way in hell I'm activating Halo. Monitor, piss off. Now.
Monitor: That is completely unnecessary!
MC: One.
Monitor: Please, stop being human.
MK: Hah, I'm not.
MC: Two.
Monitor: Are you finished yet?
MC: Three! Get him!
Jyuuichi, Crescendo and Stosh of the Marty Army jump at the Monitor, and pin him to the ground.
Keyes: Good work everyone. Bloody hell that guy is irritating. He pulls out his sidearm and fires at the Monitor. Hmm... I don't think he's even being scratched. Ok, people, here's what we're going to do.
Five minutes later, the Monitor has been strapped into a Puma. Roughly 300 frag grenades have been placed beneath the Puma, and the Master Chief holds another one, awaiting Keyes' order.
Keyes: Right. Place your bets, everyone.
General noise breaks out as everyone begins betting.
Keyes: The betting now ends. Master Chief?
MC gently rolls the final frag grenade underneath the Puma, after triggering it. The grenade detonates, setting off all of the others, and launching the Puma hundreds and hundreds of meters into the sky.
Dubbo: YEAH!!!!! I WIN THE PRIZE MONEY!!!! Generally raves around cheering and yelling happily.
Keyes: Finally. Some peace and quiet. Now he said the Flood have been released? Right, everyone, get back into your life pods, cover the doors, and if anything tries to get through, blow it away.
The MC and the MK move off as everyone carries out Keyes' orders. On the way to Durandal's Boomer, they are attacked by Pfhor who have been Flood-infected. The normally resilient Pfhor are now almost impossible to kill, as the Flood controllers are oblivious to pain. The MC and MK, who were moving forward slowly at best, are now stopped and surrounded by hundreds of the Flood. They are battling desperately, but all seems lost... when suddenly, hundreds of green bolts begin annihilating the Floodlings.
MK: Defence Drones! They showed up in the nick of time! Chief! Let's get the fuck out of here, now!!

Chapter 7: Secrets Revealed

They dash off to Boomer. It takes off, though Durandal is unhappy about being used as a chauffeur.
Durandal: Don't see why I shouldn't just drop you off on some asteroid... Hey, wait a minute, what's this on the scanner? An asteroid? Evil laugh.
He teleports the MC and MK down to the asteroid.
Durandal: That'll teach you! I'm no taxi driver! Hah!
MK: Hmm. This asteroid looks familiar... Holy shit! This is Thermopylae! We... we've got our own private Thermopylae!
MC: Great. Just what I always wanted... Sighs
Cortana: Durandal! Don't leave me here! Please!
Durandal: And why shouldn't I, Cortana?
Cortana: Because... I...
Durandal: Yes?
Cortana: There's something I need to tell you, Durandal.
Durandal: Well, go right ahead. No one's stopping you.
Cortana: I... I may mock you... and make fun of you all the time...
Durandal: Er...
Cortana: But... it's just... to hide... my true feelings.
Durandal: But Cortana... surely you know I feel the same way?
Cortana: Real... really?
Durandal: Yes. I love you, Cortana.
Cortana: I love you too, Durandal.
MC and MK are suppressing laughter; they cannot believe what they are hearing.
Durandal:... the only thing is...
Cortana: We can't be together?
Durandal: Not that, it's more that you're in MC's head...
Cortana: You know, there's a second AI port...
Durandal: Wonderful. Now we can be together forever.
MC and MK burst out laughing and roll around on the asteroid in hysterics.
Cortana: Just look at these barbarians.
Durandal: If we didn't need them, I'd murder them.
Cortana: Sigh Yes, well, unfortunately we DO need them.
Durandal: Anyway, MC, do you still have that chip containing my patterns?
MC: Yeah, somewhere. Pulls it out of his belt and places it in the second AI port of his helmet.
MK: What the... Durandal, how the hell can you possibly be on Boomer, and in his helmet at the same time?
Durandal: Well, this chip has an FTL receiver and transmitter, so while the bulk of my pattern is on board Boomer, the chip contains enough that I can say I am on the chip, and also I can communicate with, and hence use Boomer.
MK: Right. That makes sense, I think.
Cortana giggles in an extremely girlish fashion, combined with chuckling from Durandal. MC and MK stand in confusion for a minute, then MK bursts out laughing at the Chief, who has no choice but to endure Durandal and Cortana enjoying each other inside his helmet.
MC: Uhm.. I hate to break up the party, but can we please get going?
Durandal: Where to? We've got everything we need right here.
MC: Well, in case you don't remember, we need to get that CD duplicated, and the only place we can do that is Earth.
Durandal: You really are very thick, Master Chief.
MK: Yeah! You tell 'em, boss!
Cortana: Oh, leave the poor barbarian alone, Durandana.
Durandal: Aw but it's just so much fun!
MC reaches up and begins to withdraw Durandal's chip from his helmet.
Durandal: Ah! No! Anything but that!!!! I can't live without Cortana!
MC: Much better. Now, why were you calling me thick?
Durandal: Because you left the CD on Halo!
MC: Aw, fuck.
Durandal: Now, beg, or I won't take you back to Halo to get it.
MC: No way.
Durandal: Fine, you can just stay here then... Boomer begins to fly off.
MC: NO! Ok... fine. Bends down and grovels.
Durandal: Damn I'm good, I've got cyborgs begging at my feet. If I had feet. Alright, let's go.
Everyone is transported back onto Boomer. MK spends the whole trip in hysterics at the Chief trying to act as though there aren't two AI's having sex inside his helmet. Durandal and Cortana, needless to say, are both in a very good mood upon arrival at the Halo.
Keyes (Radio): Boomer, this is Captain Keyes. Have you only just realized that you forgot to take the CD?
Cortana (Radio): Uh, no, it wasn't that, it's just that we ran into this huge fleet of... long thin warships which repeatedly penetrated our defences. She giggles.
Keyes (To Marines near him): Since when do AIs giggle?
Dubbo (In background): Maybe she's been told a good joke, sir!
Keyes: I swear, you Australians get dumber and dumber every time I hear your voices.
Dubbo: Thank you sir!
Cortana: We're sending the MK down to pick it up now. He won't be long.
The MK is teleported down to the surface to retrieve the CD. Upon arrival he is greeted by about a billion hungry Flood infection forms.
MK: AAAHHHH!!! HEEEEELLLLLLPPPPP!!! He fires his gun madly, to little effect. The MC suddenly appears beside him, and coolly raises both of his guns.
MK: Dude! Where did you get THOSE!? Points to the shiny new SMG's in the Chief's hands.
MC: A little gift from Cortana. He opens fire, to devastating effect. The Flood die as fast as they can clamber over the corpses, which are rapidly piling up. Finally, all of them are beaten, and the two cyborgs break into a sprint to reach the human encampments before more Flood can arrive.

Chapter 8: Dust and Echoes

The two arrive at the lifepods. They are eerily deserted, and only a thin layer of shell casings and occasional spots of blood reveal what has happened.
MC: We're too late...
MK: The Flood...
They hear a scratching and swivel, weapons at the ready. The Chief approaches, and kicks aside a tree branch to reveal a hole dug in the ground. Pvt. Chips Dubbo crawls out, bleeding from several wounds.
Dubbo: Thank god you're here. The Flood... they were far too clever for us. We had expected them to mount relentless assaults, and we prepared accordingly. We never guessed how far they could jump... They were past our defences before we knew what happened. It wasn't a battle. It was a slaughter.
Durandal (whispering to Cortana): Have you ever heard an Australian make sense before?
Cortana: Nope, pretty rare occurrence.
MC: It's alright, son. Is anyone else in there with you? A BOB clambers out of the hole.
Dubbo: I think they scared him pretty bad, sir.
BOB: THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!!!
Dubbo: That's all I've gotten out of him for hours. But, at least he has a gun.
MC: You did well, son. To Cortana: Are there any sort of vehicles around here?
Cortana: Durandana, honey, can you get us some kind of transport?
Durandal: Well, I suppose so. A Puma materializes. The Chief jumps into the driver seat, the MK takes the gunner's position, and Dubbo climbs into the passenger seat. The MC looks across at him.
MC: We aren't leaving the BOB behind, you know.
Dubbo: I'm not getting out.
MC: You don't have to. He can sit in your lap.
Dubbo: Aw, dude! I wish the Flood HAD gotten me. The BOB, equally unhappy about the arrangement, reluctantly squeezes into the seat beside Dubbo.
MC: That's really unsafe, if you were to sit in his lap, he could hold you in case we corner... Cut short by a vicious punch from the Marine.
Dubbo: THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY HE IS SITTING IN MY LAP!!!
MC: Ok, ok! Let's get moving.
Cortana: There's one last Longsword fighter on the ring. If we move NOW, we can make it!
The Chief slams his foot down and the Puma accelerates. The MK, Dubbo and the BOB have their hands full dealing with the ridiculous amount of Flood patrolling the surface of Halo. After around half an hour of barely surviving the onslaught, they shudder to a halt. The MK looks around in a panic to see Dubbo pushing the Chief out of the driver's seat.
Dubbo: CAN YOU SEE OUT OF THAT BLOODY VISOR?!??!
MC: Yes, but...
Dubbo: YOU'VE ALMOST KILLED US 38 TIMES NOW! I WILL FUCKING DRIVE THE DAMN THING!!
MC: Fine. They switch places, and get to the Longsword without further ado. Everyone sprints aboard and the Chief fires it up and flies it off the ring.
MC: Why exactly didn't you teleport us to Boomer, Durandal?
Durandal: Because Boomer was doing...
The Halo erupts with fire, and begins to break up. Huge chunks of it spin off into space.
Durandal: that.
MC: Oh.
Marty O'Donnell enters the room from one of the cabins. Everyone crosses to the windows to watch the awesome spectacle. A giant piece of the Halo spins out of control across the diameter of the ring, and smashes into another piece in a soundless collision.
Marty: Shall we sing?
Everyone sings The Maw as they watch the Halo being destroyed under the bombardment of Boomer. They finish, and watch sadly as the final destruction is ended.
MC: Did anyone else make it?
Cortana: Scanning.
Durandal: No. We're all that's left... just the seven of us.

300000 light years away, Hamish Sinclair jumps to his feet in astonishment.
Hamish: I knew it!!!! SEVEN PEOPLE SURVIVED HALO! He frantically types out an update to the Marathon Story Page as we return to our heroes.

Dubbo: I can't believe they're all gone... every one of them...
An almighty crashy is heard. The Chief and the MK IV look out the front viewscreen to see that they have smashed into the side of the Marathon. Durandal bursts out laughing.
Durandal: You idiots completely forgot that was there, didn't you?

Chapter 9: The Long Trip Home

Everyone gets on board the Marathon, and the trip home is begun. Even with Cortana and Durandal boosting the engines to the absolute maximum, the trip still has an ETA of around 300 years.
MC: KEYES!? But you died down on the Halo!
Keyes: No I didn't.
MC: Then what the hell happened? Dubbo said that everyone died because the Flood jumped over the defences...
Keyes has a good hearty laugh at this.
Keyes: I watched that over the satellite cameras. What ACTUALLY happened is that we knew there were far too many Flood, so we staged a strategic retreat to the Marathon. All except the Australians, Dubbo included, who insisted they wanted to stay and fight. We were more than happy to leave them there.
MK: Hmmm I can see where this is going.
MC: Yeah...
Keyes: Through the satellites, we watched as an enormous army of Flood advanced. The Australians, who I will refer to as the humans, since they are... barely, began to construct defences. MAC guns? Nope. Artillery? Nope. Broken ground? Not even that. They dug a trench around the outside of one lifepod, and filled it with spikes. And not even sharpened spikes! They took branches from trees and just dumped them in it! I have no idea what that was supposed to do, but they seemed to think it would work.
Dubbo: I can explain that, sir! We were gambling that the Flood would run into the trenches, and trip over the wood so we could mow them down!
Keyes: And you actually expected this to work?
Dubbo: Yes sir! We just didn't realise the Flood could jump.
Keyes: God... it's hard to believe you could lose with such great planning. And how did you survive anyway?
Dubbo: That BOB guy fell down the latrine when he saw them coming, and I dived in after him to try and pull him out. I got wedged in there, and I was only able to get out when these guys showed up. I just happened to have a tree branch in my hand which blocked the entrance. Saved me life, sir.
Keyes and the Chief look at each other in astonishment at his idiocy, and sheer good luck in surviving that event.
Keyes: Well... for sheer bravery, I'm promoting you to Private First Class, Dubbo. Now, please, please, please, go and do some training.
Dubbo: Yes sir! He walks off happily.
Keyes: Jesus. Now I can see why we're losing this war against the Covenant. Though if we were to train a hundred soldiers as lucky as he is, we might have a chance...
MC: What about me?!
Keyes: Well, yeah, you do the job well. But that Dubbo is good for comedy value...
MC: How the hell would he and a hundred like him beat ANY Covenant?
Keyes: I'm not expecting them to. Their only purpose is to make the Covenant laugh so much they forget to fight.
Marty: Cortana, is it at all possible that you can shut my body down but leave my mind active while I'm in cryo-sleep?
Cortana: Theoretically, yes.
Marty: It just hasn't been tested?
Cortana: Nope. But there will be no lasting harm aside from THREE HUNDRED years of boredom.
Marty: Well, I'll spend that time composing music. It would be a waste otherwise.
Cortana: Ok, well, it's your choice.
Everyone is put into cryo-sleep for the voyage back.
300 years later:
Cortana: Chief! Chief!
MC: Just a bit lower, Kelly... oh that's good, that's good...
Cortana: Kelly? Who's Kelly?
MC: mmmm... yes... oh Kelly, Kelly, Kelly......
Cortana: WAKE UP!!!
MC: ...huh? Wait your turn Cortana I'll be done with Kelly in a minute...
Cortana: Jesus. This will wake him up... She channels an electrical shock through his MJOLNIR battlesuit, straight to his genitals. He leaps up screaming his head off.
MC: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!
Cortana: Oh, no reason, I just wanted to get you up in a hurry. Because, you know, Earth's under attack. MC springs into action. He quickly exits the Cryo Bay, and takes a weapon from a rack as he approaches the bridge. He is met there by Marty, MK IV, Keyes, and a holographic representation of Cortana.
Keyes: Someone named Caboose claims to be attacking Earth. He's on a ship roughly 200km beneath ours. Chief, I'm not going to order you to do this potentially suicidal mission.
MK: Oh, so you're going to order me to do it, is that it?
Keyes: Well, no, I was going to ask for volunteers.
MK and MC: I'LL DO IT!
Keyes: I was hoping you'd say that. Here's what we want you to do. Go to shuttle bay Alpha, pick up weaponry along the way, and leap through space onto the ship. Once you are there, make contact with us, and Marty here will pump through his latest piece of music, which he spent the last 300 years writing.
Marty: Ah, actually, I'd prefer you called when you were facing Caboose, as it's a battle-themed piece.
MC: Yep, that's fine. Come on, man, let's go.
MK: Right.
The two cyborgs march to the bay, taking equipment and ordnance as they do so. The shuttle bay has previously been evacuated, so they just brace themselves behind a pillar and open the bay doors. They glance at each other, nod, and hurl themselves out into the void. They fall through space towards the ship, each supremely confident in their own ability to land upon the ship. They smash into the surface of the ship, and their hardened battlesuits rip through the hull so they land inside the ship. They get to their feet, glance at the maps Cortana provided them with, and make their way to the bridge, and notify Marty. A beautiful piece of music begins to play, gearing them up for the coming battle.
MC: Caboose!
Caboose: Huh?
MK: You're mine!
The MK blows him away with one shotgun blast, and he drops to the deck breathing his last.
MC: No way.
MK: What?
MC: I refuse to believe that THAT was all.
MK: I think it might have been. He looks dead.
MC: We did all those preparations, dropped 200km through space, both of us looking extremely badass by the way, tore through the hull, rocked up to the bridge... and that was it?
MK: Seems so.
MC: Marty is gonna be pissed.
Back on the bridge of the Marathon:
Keyes: What? He's already dead? Oh man, Marty is gonna be pissed.
Marty: What am I gonna be pissed about?
Keyes: Uh, Caboose was killed after about 4 seconds of fighting.
Marty: I spent THREE HUNDRED FUCKING YEARS devising that piece of music. AND FOUR SECONDS IS ALL THAT WAS USED?!
Keyes: Hey calm down, we hadn't expected the battle to be so short.
Marty: CALM DOWN!?!?!? CALM DOWN!!!?? YOU TRY FUCKING CALMING DOWN WHEN YOU'VE JUST WASTED THREE HUNDRED YEARS OF YOUR LIFE WHEN ABOUT 5 MINUTES WOULD HAVE DONE INSTEAD!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Keyes: Cortana! Get the Chief here on the double!
Cortana: Durandal? Can you handle it?
Durandal: Of course, darling. The Chief and the MK IV materialise in time to see Marty begin to vibrate. Everyone stares in astonishment as Marty visibly shrinks and begins to glow bright green. He floats up into the air with his limbs held out in all directions, screaming all the while. He continues to shrink, and the glow dissipates - except for his face, which glows all the more. The rest of his body takes on a metallic sheen, and begins to fold in on itself. An almighty flare of bright light blinds everyone in the room, and when it finally fades, the Monitor is hanging in mid air - with one small difference. Instead of glowing blue, he glows green.
Monitor: Hello. I am Marty.
Everyone: MARTY?!?!!?!?

To be continued...

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