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Fan Fiction

A week in the life of a noob
Posted By: Wasabe<modemboyii@msn.com>
Date: 15 August 2005, 6:58 pm

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Day 1

Ok, I am new to this game and today was my first game, and I am really confused.

So anyways, first of all I set up my player profile and it asks me for my sensitivity, and since I'm a very sensitive guy (dolphins make me cry) I chose the highest, 10. My mom says I am an Elite person, so I selected Elite, not sure what that meant. I like gardens and I'm good with plants, so I also chose "greenthumb" for some setup thingy. My dad says I'm an invert, so I selected "inverted".

So now that my player profile is all set, I have to create an x-box live account. Well I'm trying to set it up and it asks for my name, so I put in my name "Bob", and it says something like "sorry, that name is taken already". So I'm like huh? So I try again and it still tells me it's taken. I tried it like 15 times! I was so confused then. I mean, come on, how is it my fault that my parents named me Bob? What am I supposed to do about it? So I ask my dad to come help me and I explain to him that it doesn't like my name, so he says to use my middle name. Middle name? I didn't even know I had a middle name! So I ask my dad what my middle name is, and he says "uradopted", so I put that in and it finally took it, whew.

Ok, finally I'm on and I go to play my first game. It starts us on some map called "coagulation", and I'm running around not really knowing what to do, and then my screen says "hold x to pick up sniper rifle". So I hold x for about thirty seconds, and I guess something happened because now my gun looks different. I don't like it though, I mean the little circle thing is so small now! I liked it so much better when I had my starting gun, I think it is called an SMGG or something, and my circle aimy thing was so much bigger! Then to make matters worse, my teammates are all yelling at me to "snipe" some guy running towards our base (I have no idea what they were talking about), but I can't get that little circle aimy thing to line up right! I can see him running at our base and I know I gotta do something quickly. The guy was about half way across the map, running right at me, and I could see he had the SMGM gun! I'm thinking, how am I supposed to kill him when my aimy thing is so small? So I figure that I must need to get closer, so I start to run at him. After like 20 seconds of running, we are starting to get closer, and then he starts firing on me, and that was so unfair! I mean, he's got this huge SGM gun thingy with a huge aimy circle, and I have this little tiny circle that moves all over the place when I try to move my joystick thing. How am I supposed to hit him?! And to make matters worse, he has like 60 bullets and I only have 4!! Why is there even a "sniper rifle" in the game, who would want that crappy weapon? It sucks man.

Anyways, as you can guess, the guy kills me with his super SGMG gun, but then something really strange happens - I can still see my dead body, and the guy starts exercising over my body! I don't understand, he was doing these like lunges or sqats over my body. Does that really help your legs get stronger? If I do that at the beginning of the game, will I be able to jump higher or something?

Then finally, what really made me mad, all my teammates started yelling at me and calling me a "nooby" or "booby" or something like that, I don't remember. Like it was my fault!

Man this game is confusing. =(


Day 2

After a horrible first day of playing halo yesterday, I decided to try again today.

So this time I start out on Ivory Tower, and I ask my teammates what I should do. Someone says to take the "Bomb", so I'm thinking, "awesome, I get a freaking bomb! I'll be unstoppable now!".

The first thing I notice though is that after I pick up the bomb, my guy is walking really slowly, but I figure who cares, I have a freaking giant bomb, who in their right mind is going to try to come near me? Now to be honest, I have no idea what I'm actually supposed to do with this giant bomb, but I figure it's gotta be some kind of fear inspiring weapon. I mean, who wouldn't be afraid of a giant freaking bomb? So I'm running around trying to find someone to blow up with my super bomb, and finally I see 2 of the enemy, so I rush right at them. I figured they surely would see my giant bomb and run away in terror! But no, they actually think they can take me on with my super bomb! Well I hit my fire button and it drops the bomb right in front of me, so I turn around to try to get away from the explosion that I'm sure is going to be huge and awesome. I was getting excited at this point, I was sure I was going to get two kills with my super bomb! Now the strange thing is, I don't think my enemies noticed the bomb, because they didn't run away, in fact they kept chasing me and ran right over the bomb as they killed me. Well that's ok I thought, at least they will die from the bomb explosion, that will teach them! But, uhh, nothing happened?? My stupid freaking giant bomb didn't blow up!

I don't get it, what good is the bomb? I mean, you would think that a giant freaking BOMB would be the most awesome weapon in the game, but it was like my enemies weren't even afraid of it! That's the last time I pick up that stupid weapon. >:(

Anyways, I need a break now, maybe I'll try again tomorrow. Geez this game is confusing.


Day 3

After my first two days playing halo online being a total disaster (read about them here and here), I wasn't quite ready to throw in the towell, so I decided to try playing again today. . .

Well for my third game, it is again "Assault on Ivory Tower", which was kinda disappointing but oh well. So I once again ask my teammates what I should do, and sure enough, someone says to get the bomb. But no way, I know better this time. So I tell the guy, "no freaking way man, I don't know how to use the bomb, it didn't blow up at all last time I tried." But then he tells me that I need to "plant" the bomb. Hmmm, I need to plant it? Well why didn't someone say that before! And I know just the place too, because while I was wandering around the map last time, I saw these plant hangers all over the place, so one of them must be where I plant the bomb. Right? Well anyways, I see this one over near where those wind whooshy things are, so I take the bomb there. Now, you would think that when you stand on the flower gardens it would say something like "press x to plant the bomb here", but no, it doesn't. So I'm thinking, how am I supposed to plant this thing? Well at about the same time as I'm trying to figure this out, I hear my teamates yelling at me "plant the bomb now, we just cleared out the base!". Well duhh, what do you think I'm trying to do?! Man, people can be so mean sometimes. =(

Well I never did figure out how to use that bomb weapon or to "plant" it or whatever, and apparently the round ended. So next round, it starts us over and I ask my teammates again what I should do, and someone says "defend the base retard, what do you think?". Well that wasn't very nice, but ok, I understand. So I'm standing there waiting for an enemy to try to come into my base, and I'm getting exited again, hoping that I'll get my first kill. But then I see one of the enemies coming right at me with the bomb! Now, I realize that even though I don't know how to use it, the bomb must be good for something, and I'm sure that experienced players know how to make it explode. So I'm thinking, I'm not stupid, I'm not going to try to take on this guy carrying that freaking giant bomb weapon! So I do the most logical thing and I run away - and it's a good thing too, because sure enough, that guy knew just what to do with the bomb and a few seconds later I hear "bomb armed bomb planted" and a huge explosion. Whew, I got out of there just in time!

Now, you would think my teammates would be happy that I made it out alive, but for some reason they all start yelling at me! I don't understand, what would you do in a situation like that?! I mean, the guy has a giant freaking bomb! Think about it, if you saw a guy coming at you with a bomb, wouldn't you run? Well I don't know about you, but I'm getting the hell outta there as fast as I can. I don't mind defending the base, but I don't have a death wish.

Oh well, I'm done playing for today. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow. . .


Day 4

Well it's day four in my halo career, and I realized that I have yet to get even one kill. So I decide that my goal for today is to get a kill. No worrying about planting giant bombs or defending some stupid base or whatever, I just want to do whatever it takes to get a kill.

So the game starts and right away I notice this guy starts throwing grenades at his feet. Well what the heck is he doing that for? So I ask him what's going on, and he says he is "de-leveling". Hmmm, I've never heard of that before, but it must me something good. . . So I ask him "What is de-leveling?"

"You know, I'm trying to get to a lower level"

Ahhh, so that must be why he is throwing grenades at the floor, he's trying to blow a hole in the floor so he can get to a lower level in the map! Hmm, I wonder what is down there? So I ask him "Why do you want to get to a lower level?"

And he replies, "So I can kill people easier!"

Oh man, now I'm getting excited, this sounds like just what I need! I need all the help I can get to kill people, so maybe if I can get to a lower level, I can kill them easier too! Ok, so obviously I need to somehow blow a hole in the floor first, and it looks like he's doing it with grenades. So I throw a grenade and watch it explode in front of me. . . but no hole?? Hmm, maybe it needs two grenades. I throw another in the exact same spot, but again nothing! How the heck does this work??

Well as I'm doing this, somebody else on my team starts yelling at me, "what are doing??". So I tell him I am trying to get to a lower level. Well apparently he knows what I'm talking about, because he says "You mean your trying to de-level?"

"Yeah that's it! That's what he called it! I'm trying to "de-level" so I can kill people easier." At this point I was very proud of myself, I bet I sounded just like a pro! If all the experienced players are doing it, it must be good, right? But then the guy tells me "You're already at level 1 you idiot!".

Hmm, I'm not sure I understand. . . "Oh, well then I guess I need to get into the basement. Can I borrow some of your grenades?"

Now you would think that my teammates would want to help me out. I mean, come on, isn't this a team game? But no, this guy starts yelling and cursing at me like I'm a jerk or something! Oh well, I don't care what other people think. I really just want to get my first kill, and if getting to the basement helps, then I gotta learn how to do it. . .


Day 5

After a nice weekend away from Halo, I am back and ready to play again. This is my 5th game, and I am still completely confused.

So the game starts out and this time we are playing Assault on Turf, and we are on defense. I once again ask my teammates what I should do, and some little kid suggests that I go get the "noob combo". Hmmm, another one of those unfamiliar terms. . . I wonder if this combo comes with chips and a drink? I'm almost embarrassed to ask, but I really have no idea what he is talking about, so I ask him "umm, where can I find this noob combo?" Now you would think that he would be nice to me, since he was the one that suggested it, but no! He starts going off on me in this high pitched 10 year old voice:

"You don't know where the noob combo is? Noob! Are you a noob? Haha you're noob! Stupid noob"

Now at this point I think he may have been trying to insult me, I'm not sure. And this word "noob" is really confusing me. Am I a noob combo? And where do I find the noob? Err, or maybe it's the other way around, I don't know, I'm so freaking confused! Well at this point, someone else on my team must have sensed that I was getting frustrated, so he offers to help me get the noob combo. So I follow him around and he takes me to this weapon called a "Battle Rifle" and I pick it up, then we jump on some crates and onto a roof, and he tells me to pick up the Plasma Pistol. "There you go dude, there's the noob combo". Umm. . .ok. . . great. . . I guess. Why did he have me pick up the Battle Rifle if I'm just going to trade it for a Plasma Pistol? That doesn't make sense but oh well. So now I ask him "Uhh, what do I do with this?"

"You go kill noobs with it!" Ahh, I think I understand now, "noob" must mean the other team! That sounds like a cool nickname for the other team, I think whenever I kill someone I'll say "haha I killed you noob!". I bet I'll sound really cool and just like a pro if I say that!

Well so now I have my cool Plasma Pistol, and I see an enemy coming at me. So I start firing my Plasma Pistol at him, I think I hit him like 7 or 8 times with it, but he didn't die! At this point he kills me easily, then he proceeds to yell "I killed the noob combo, what a noob!". Oh man, now I am really confused. So am I a noob combo? Are the other team called noobs? Am I a noob? And what good is the stupid Plasma Pistol??