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The Podtacular Halo Comedy Story
Posted By: The Podtacular Fan Crew<unr3alchi3f@gmail.com>
Date: 26 April 2006, 3:00 am
Read/Post Comments
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This story have been written by: Unr3alChi3f, Pedro Taco, QualityJeverage, KIMO 23, Painkilla 05, RusOmi7677, s-p-a-r-t-a-n-117, Cowbel, KrashCourse, Vote4JR, ColdestIce Man, Sugar Daddie, DarkStar715124, PsychoDJ, DialPex, Gemini Ace, CRAZY MnM, and DM7000 (thanks guys...)
Please expect this story in different points of views
I also am copying and pasting into a word document from a forum post that i have created in which they were to add to this story after my first sentence (over 100 posts)
Expect another post (like "The Podtacular Halo Comedy Story 2" or something like that, continuing this story in about 5 days
One day, Master Chief was walking around the sidewalk, with his battle rifle, just having a good day.
When all of the sudden right up from the ground there, up came a bubblin' crude.
He slowly walks up to the bubbling crude with his battle rifle ready to fire.
Suddenly it solidified and took the form of a rather sophisticated ostrich, which wore a top hat and a monocle. "Goodness! I seem to have lost my cane. Care to help me find it?" asked the ostrich in a very British accent.
And master chief replied, "Mad Libs suck, and your not very believable."
Than he took his BR and fired at the ostrich because he had a bad experience with a monocle as a kid.
When the Ostrich replied"Not believable eh" (notice the switch from the british accent to the canadian).and pulls out an enery sword and lunges at the master chief..Master Chief side stepped the lunge and BXRed the ostrich..TeaBagged him and then walked away
Little did he know that he just made lifelong enemies of clan O5tR1cH3s and they would be forever following him waiting for the day when they can stick a small energy dagger into his back. But, since he didn't know that, he continued his way down to the gunsmith's with his now broken BR, sword canceling at random passerbyes to speed up the journey.
After this he was quite parched and decided to go to the Chevron down the street to get a go gurt. Little did he know, the gas station had been overun with Zombies 5 years ago and they had nothing to eat. They soon ate potato chips from then on that morphed them in zombies that look like a lot like the flood. As he walked down the street he saw a little kid...
But he doesn't really care about little kids so he continued to the gunsmith's pad. Once there, he was all, "Give me a weapon." And the gunsmith is all, "Make me." So he did. And thus, Master Cheif walked out of the pad with a brand new Super Soaker.
After he got the super soaker he continued to Chevron because he forgot to go to the gunsmiths shop until his consince told him. As he continued to go to Chevron he looked at the super Soaker and tripped and broke it which sucks real bad. He looked at the remains and it said "MADE AT PAINKILLA"S MOON." After this is began his quest to kill the emperor of the MOON!
He then had to ask around for directions to the moon, after he found the map, A clan of ostriches appeared
"Well Well Well..." They said... "You murdered our brother, PhoneboothJimmy! Now you shall die..."
The ostriches surrounded the chief and prepared to attack. As the chief prepped a plasma grenade, Cortana taunted "Betcha can't stick it...". Turns out Cortana was right, and the grenade landed on a nearby gas tanker, which exploded and killed all the ostriches, but left the Chief unscathed. "Told you" Said Cortana.
"I didn't miss..." Grunted Chief.
He then continued to destroy the emperor of the moon.
But the emperor of the moon was to wise and cunning to let the MC get him. He called his army of Droidekas, brownie monsters, and orcs to do his bidding. Sending his army of 10,000 troops they traveled down to Earth in giant raidoactive rubber pants and began the invasion
they would raize lands with ease, invading with their squaky pants, the sound broke people's eardrums. but luckily, Master chief was wearing armor, so the sound didnt go through.
And yay varely did the Master of the Chiefs call upon his only ally, MC Hammer. He like the Hammer because they had similar initials. So the two formed a dynamic dou and destroyed that Killer of the Pain, for he had weak ankels. But, it turns out the Chief should have been more worried about that little kid for...
...He was his father!
...And Mother!
Not only did the kid have asexual capabilities, he was even stronger than the Chief! And just as the MC was pinned, four knives struck the kid from behind.
The chief stared up in disbelief at the man who had saved him. He was tall, robed, and wore a Weebl Mask.
"Quoth! I am pleased that my quadratic and quant attaque of sorts has proven quite qualified for even a Queen! I shan't be quenched however until I conquer my quest! And so it is quite an honour to meet you and you may call me Q."
After returning from where ever they had been they got an Ice cream. Q and teh chief had decided to live more leisurly lives. They wanted to become citizens of the U.S., 8 years and one really long test later, they were fully initated into the U.S. as citizens. And of course, they both voted for J.R. in the election that was going on at the time. And of course J.R. had won!
But J.R. Had been assassinated only 4 hours into his presidencey! Now vice president B.Phone has bcome president. Now it was up to Sherlock Chief to find the evil doer!
And the Chief was on his own here since Q had since gone insane and was now locked up for blowing up several British landmarks.
Like France.
Anyway, the MC teamed up with Jack from 24, since he's into assainiated presidents and all. But it turns out that B.Phone was the evil doer!
MC was outraged by this news. He coulodn't believe wat B.Phone had done. Master Cheif decides to take his BR and stickies and go kill B.Phone, but Jack resorting to his selfish ways, wants all the attention and glory to himself. Jack knowing MC is about to sit down to drink his morning tea, decides to put a toxic mizture into MC tea. When MC sits down to drink his tea, instead of the tea killing MC it starts a chain reaction in his colon giving him the worlds worst case of explosive diahreia.
as the MC blew up the bathroom with his explosive diarehha the odor lingered thruout the cafe where he was eating killing all those that took a wift of the strong omnipotent odor
The people in the cafe start to turn into Zombies and start to infect. However 2 hours later back that the bathroom, the MC wakes up, confused, he slowly walks out of the bathroom, seeing that there are zombies running around all around the city. He took a Warthog parked on the street and took it to the Marine base. Then he took a longsword out the the air planning to nuke the city, but then the British Air Force start to tail him and they order him to land, or else they shoot.
MC drops the nuke quickly then turns around to blow away the air Force! Satisfied, he flies off.
Little did he know, one Crazy English pilot remain. In a desperate attempt to kill him, he fires one last missle at the ship! DIRECT HIT! MC's Longsword plummets down to earth. He opens the cockpit and dives down into the river Thames! In a huge fireball, the remains of the aircraft crash straight into Big Ben
MC stands up to see where he is, he then sees a underground tunnel. He goes into the tunnel to find that the tunnel leads to a underground city called Zion filled with Grunts.
"I'll come back later," MC says. MC goes to find Jack to tell him that it's over when...
Jack pops out from behind teh chief. MC does an amazing backflip, lands behind Jack and slits his throat spewing blood everywhere, MC did this because he thought he would be ambushed. MC flies back to Washington, D.C. and decides to attend president J.R.'s funeral. J.R. was given a full militay funeral and a 21 gun salute. MC payed his respects and departed...
He went back to Zion and asks the grunts why that there are down there and not up there...
The Grunts replied, "Because the third Matrix sucked! We're protesting the series!".
The Chief replied, "But it's over. It's been over for years, you guys are late."
The Grunts were perplexed, "Uhhh...You're lying!"
One of the grunts whacked the Chief in the back of the head and everything went black...
Than one of the grunts found a box sticking out of the ceiling, on the box it said J.R. But they didn't know what it mean, so they shredded the contents and ate it. When the MC awoke all the grunts were asleep because they ate SO much and he snuck into the next cavern to find B.Phone!
Just when MC thought he was safe, he tured around and saw B.Phone! B.Phone had been following MC the whole time, ever since the tea incident! Since the tea didnt kill MC, B.Phone decided it was time to finish off MC for sure...
Then, someone tapped MC on the sholder. MC did a quick 180 like in RE4, to find Foo Mo Jive. Foo was all, "Good night, and good luck." And MC was all, "Whatevs." So Foo fave him a lolly pop. But when MC turned around, B.Fone was gone!
Chief was becoming annoyed. In a fit of desperation, he pulled out a conch shell, blew into it, and yelled, "GAME HEROES ASSEMBLE!".
From all points of the earth (And space) came Gordon Freeman, Solid Snake, Samus Aran, Mario, Sam Fisher, Ryu Hayabusa, and Battlefield 2's Bot #12.
Now that the chief had assembled a crack team of MIT-Educated, Stealthy, Bounty Hunting, Italian, Badass, Disciplined, and occasionally dumbfounded heroes, They set out to find BananaFone...AND SAVE THE WORLD!
They go into Samus's ship out to the sky. Little did they know, there was still one zombie, a clan of Ostriches, and the British Navy were hiding in the closet next to the cockpit.
They heard sounds from the crowded closet, and got ready. Chief steadied his weapon, Snake hid under a cardboard box, Samus conveniently lost all her powers, Mario ate a flower, Sam activated his Thermal Vision, Gordon pulled out a crowbar, Ryu readied the Dragon sword, and Bot #12 hogged the ship's controls.
Gordon pried the door with his crowbar while the Chief threw in a frag grenade and Sam crawled through a nearby vent. Ryu ran in and went Ninja on all the Brit's asses, and Mario jumped on their heads. Bot #12 fired around crazily, while Samus "helped" the team by scanning all the soldiers. Snake stayed in the box.
Gordon easily did away with the zombie, because he had plenty of experience there. And the rest took care of the Ostriches with relative ease.
They continued on their course to find Bananafone...
they check back at the city that MC nuked and figures out that now it just is a "Silent Hill" filled with evil. Reguardless of what the city is now, they must fight though it to find B.Phone.
They Wandered through the city when all of a sudden there is a loud noise from above. MC looks up and it is the little kid he ignored at the beginning of his mission.
"YOU INGORNED ME! HOW COULD YOU," said the little girl.
"So..." Mc said causally.
All of a sudden he reconized the girl as Harry Mason's daughter from that movie he saw a while ago. In one swoop she flew down and took Mario's head then wrote notes on walls to confuse the MC. But he didn't give a crap so he conitinued to look for the B.Phone.
On the moon, the emporer wakes up because he didn't die. "I vow to kill that B" said Painkilla. He then went to find the MC. As Painkilla went to kill the MC...
Qualtiy Jeverage dropped off his movie at Blockbuster. His awesome sences were tingleing.
"Hark, I hear a Fone in distress!"
QJ Followed his nose until he found a Lone Bananna, sitting on the ground, crying.
"What's wrong? WTF? Arn't you the president?"
"My spicked the puch at my prom and now I have to go to jail!"
"Whatevs."
So B.Fone got thrown in the insane asylm. But the MC had more prolems to worry about for Painkilla aquired a...
SUPER GIGANTO MR T FLYING-TOMATO-CAN-OF SUPER EXPLOSIVE GUPIES OF UNQUESTIONABLE SIZE, but stills fits into his back pocket, THAT CAN DWARF ANY MOON AND PLUS IT COMES WITH A FREE DISK OF JVB SINGING ABBA!
Painkilla meets the MC and asks hem, "MC, are u ready to die?" And the MC replies, "I was born ready mother !" They grab their weapons and start the fight. MC finds a Plasma Grenade and uses it to stick Painkilla in the face. However, the Plasma's fuse is going and it is glowing, but it is not exploding
MC realizing sumthing must have gone hay wire with the gernade, tries to think of what he can do next. Then... he remembers Pain Killas 1weaknes! The CAMPFIRE SOONG!MC pulling out his gutair that he carries with him for no obvious reason, blows up a neardby warthog and uses the fire as a camp fire. MC starts to sing the song... Pain Killas ears start to spew out blood everywhere, getting all over MC gutair. MC furious with rage says My Grandma bought me that B! And procedes to knock the f out of Pain Killa
Than Painkilla switches to green team and becomes a zombie and charges the MC with his sword...
but drops dead in the middle of his charge due to a tumor on his pancreas.
MC says, "Woah, that was weird. Lets keep searching." They go into the darkest building. Little did they know that there were 100 TWO-HEADED ZOMBIES just waiting to infect everyone. But they just act like its no problem and just throws a plasma grenade which starts a chain reaction blowing up all of them 1 by 1.
After the dust settled, a staircase became visible in the back of the room. They walked up and entered a small room, with a man tied to a chair.
The man was none other than Raffi!
"Raffi...", Asked the Chief, "What in the hell are you doing here?"
"It's, It's BananaFone!", Raffi replied, "After I wrote that stupid song, an army of BananaFones arose! Most of them were killed off quickly, but there's one left, and that's why he's called LONEBananaFone! He tried to infiltrate the government, but he failed when JR was assassinated so he fled, and that's why he tied me up, he knew I'd give him away!".
The team of super-awesome Heroes shared grim looks, and together walked out to find Banafone...AND DESTROY HIM
But then out of no where, E.V.I.L from the show SpongeBob SquarePants comes up to them and they slash BattleField's Bot #12's head off.
MC had to go to the bathroom while this was happening so he was know where in site. While the MC listened to crappy elevator Music, the whole E.V.L.L team won and killed everyone on that team. They just entered the bathroom when...
A staple flew out of nowhere and popped the Dirty Bubble. The Chief looked around and saw Milton from Office Space standing with his red swingline Stapler.
"I was told that I'm allowed to KICK SOME ASS!" cried Milton, who promptly erupted into a frenzy of work-related stress and murder, which resulted in Manray being horrible decapitated.
After this, Milton flew away and the Chief relieved himself...
...out of nowhere at all Chuck Noris jumps in front of the mastercheif and roundhouse kicks him in the face...
And then MC calls Foo Mo to roundhouse him. Chuck Norris was never heard from agian.
The MC went out of the house to find QJ, making a sand castle out of yellow snow, for he lives in
Canada.
"Have you seen this banana?"
"Yes."
"Well?"
"What?"
"Where did you see him?"
"In jail."
"Why is he in jail?"
"I dunno."
"You're Canadian, aren't you?"
"Yes."
(MC Smacks Him)
This insulted the QJ alot so he assembled his fighting team of Canadians to back him up. There was Samanator with his awsome moose power, there was Renegad3 N with his time powers, QJ could be pushed over but he would never fall down, then there was Pamela Anderson with her hypmotising powers (Yes now I will get my mind out of the gutter). THE MC WAS OUT NUMBERED!
Pokemon Fight Battle Song Begins!
QJ wants to battle you!
QJ: Go get him, pikachu!
MC: Go, Ditto!
Pikachu uses Thunder Bolt!
Saps Ditto
Not very Effective...
Ditto turns into...
A walking plasma grenade!
Ditto uses walk...
Sticks onto Pikachu
Pikachu: PIKACHUUUUUUUUUUUU!
runs around in circles and retreats back to QJ and his team
Plasma Greande Blows Up!
WAY SUPER EFFECTIVE THAT IT JUST TURNED EVERYONE ON HIS TEAM INTO DUST!
MC: Woah, that was easy...
(MC walks away whistling...)
The whistling attracted wovles.
The wolves were friends of the ostriches
which were friends of the British Army and the Zombies which were friends of SpongeBob SquarePants's EVIL which were friends of the people of the moon which were apperently were friends of lecturing High School and College Teachers. Which apperently all showed up surrounding MC
but then all of a sudden...
Ninja's Attacked!
Brian, Family Guy, came and did the Peanut Butter Jelly dance.
Then the head ninja revealed himself! The head ninja was Dr. Phil! Dr. Phill soon started talking to MC telling him how he should turn his life around from all the killing and settle down to start a family. Then he scolded MC on his drug problem. MC hearong enough of this says, "F You ahole", and biach slaps Dr.Phil. Outraged by this Dr. Phil reveals his secret weapon...
OPRAH!
The MC Scoffs as he pulls out HIS secret Anti-Oprah weapon...TOM CRUISE!
The masterchief is struggleing for his life and has no hope of suvival, suddenly from no where a hudge whale swims to his rescue the master chief eventually comes around and he is layed in the middle of a covernant cheese factory, no ammo in his battle rifle he has to...
... decides to pull off the pistol Suicide glitch and respawn again with more BR ammo and as he does that... he appears near the Medical Base in Turf city where he sees 2 guys with their guitars singing... he comes up to them and says.. Who are you? and What you're doing here... This city is deserted... didn't you see that scarab thingin laying over there? So one of the guys say... I'm Dialpex and the other guys says.. I'm Danl... We have a gig here tonight.. at the medical tent.. you wanna come by?
Master chief stops and thinks.. and says.. sure why not... so he grabs a coke from the vending machine and takes a seat with Dial and Danl and start singing the 2 biggest hits of 2052 "Pwnin' n00bs all day" and "Match of your Life" when all of sudden from behind the 2 trucks...
Painkilla came back from the dead (because you can't kill what's already dead, he only got paralyzed) and his army of green zombies attack with swords slicing the air and wasting ammo of the pistol by shooting at the ground.
... so MC yells out to Dial and Danl "They're wasting all the ammo so that we won't be able to use it" Lets go... "quick get up on top of the tent cause the zombies can't jump.." that way they could try to take them all out one by one... but they were so many... so then Dialpex has a great idea...
And sacrifices himself to the zombies for the greater good. This moment of death allows Danl and MC to get away safely. Than Danl stops day dreaming and thinks of a plan that would benefit them all and not just Danl.
So he goes back and see painkilla and the other zombies trying to get Dial, which still hasn't given up. Dialpex tryes to hold the zombies until his last bullet when he heard Danl screaming: "Dial... Dial... grab the Guitar" Dial then grabs the guitar and starts playing song "Don't always have to use Snipes... In fact sometimes that's not right to do... Maybe you wanna try the BR and maybe the Shottie too..." All of the zombies stoped and looked at each other... and in one memorable and historical moment they all pull out lighters and make a little flame to the sky while Danl joins Dial on this amazing song on top of the medical tent... meanwile MC is long gone to Zanzibar where...
Where He encountered a tribe of peacful elites, led by the masterful,
the irritating,
343 Gulity Spark!
" hello reclaimer, hmmmm, I am a genious!"
MC-"oh shit, not again"
343 " how have you been recliamer? are you now ready to join my followers to clense the galaxy of zombie filth, via the HALO instalations? We are going to reclaim the ark, in order to contain the flood once more. Hummm Humm Hummm Humm!"
So then MC says "...
Screw that... I'm outta here and...
The MC then decides to take the bus out of Zanzibar when all of a sudden he is attacked by the Pirates of Zanzibar.
"We want your guns!" said the captain.
"Too freaking bad!"
MC shoots everyone, including painkilla (agian).
"This is bull! Why am I ever B.Fone? He's a cool guy!"
"Thanks, b."
"Oh, snap it's bananna!"
"Bring the pain."
(343 Guilty Spark Transports Both of them to a volcano island which they will soon find out that they're on Zanzibar)
343: ok, we are going to play a little tug of war.
in the middle was a lava pit
MC and banana: why here?
343: so that someone is going to get killed when they lose!
Ready?
Set...
Go!
banana pulls with all of his might
MC: wow, i never knew that i was strong enough that i won't even move a mussle...
MC starts to rope him
MC becomes a pimp and...
Starts Playing "Smack the Hoe" with Banana!
Then Bananna has an epiphany and just lets go of the rope. When he does that, the Chief falls on his ass and breaks his butt-armor. He has to remove it and is now mooning everyone who walks behind him. Bananna sees his chance for victory and tosses a frag grenade across the lava pit at the MC. MC kicks it into the lava and it explodes, coating each of them with white hot magma. It doesn't hurt the Chief, but it severely burns Bananna. He lays there and the Chief tells him,
"You were the chosen one!"
"Noooooooooooooooooooo!"
Master Chief walks away, his butt hanging out...
When all of sudden he looks towards the Zanzibar base and he sees princess Toadstool superjumping on top of the base with 2 sniper rifles. She comes around the corner of the roof and fires a shot that misses MC by literaly 1 inch. MC then takes cover in the rocks by the rocket Ammo and yells out to the princess...
MC: Hey, Marios Behind you...
PT: huh, what? looks behind
MC Fires the RL
PT: What i don't see...
incoming rocket to PT
PT: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
PT Runs around and drops to lower level
PT: HAHA, YOU MISSED ME!
(Little did she know, it was a HEAT-SEEKING MISSLE)
Rocket also goes down lower level to PT
PT: Oh, F
(Rocket Explodes)
343 comes out of no where and says " you know what would make this situation better reclaimer, zombies. lots of walking dead people with guns."
so 343 beams a bunch of random zombies on Zanzibar, because he's an ass hole like that, and leaves.
It was on this island that the Zombies met George Romero, who was scounting for people/undead to star in his upcoming movie, Dawn of the Dead. So the lifeless horrid creatures agreed to be involved in the movie, and many of them went on to further their careers in the movie business, and are today know by such names as Tom Cruise, Sean Connery and Orlando Bloom. So it was when Master Chief went to the premiere of House of the Dead that things started to get interesting...
... And as MC pulls in on his Warthog , Pdiddy pulls right beside him with a Gold Plated Hummer H2 with Silver Plated Spinners... he gets out look at MC holding his BR and says...
" oh F!" and runs off, wetting his pants to make a whole cd about having the shit scared out of him by some dude in 7 foot tall armor, with a gun.
MC shrugs, shakes his head, and drives off in the Pimped out Hummer.
While passing through Blood Gultch, he encounters...
Torreto... yeah.. the guy that ran off in Fast and the furius 1... MC parks beside him and says.. Is this Toyota Supra your ride...? So Torreto laughs and goes like.. "Hell yeah it's my ride... What' about that..? How did you get a gold plated Hummer? Are you a rapper or suthin? MC says... Nawww man.. you know me.. I'm just MC MC doing big things.. and keeping it real...
When from a cave on the left hand side a huuuge blue ship looking thing fires a blue fire ball and that hits Torreto and kills him... MC then cranks on the engine and...
...drives off into the sunset to find a replacement butt-shaped armor plate. His bare ass sticks to the leather in the Hummer and it is very uncomfortable. Fortuately, he comes across a blacksmith who is able to fashion a shiny cheek-shaped armor for the Chief. When he tries it on, he realizes that it makes his ass look huge! Then he realizes that he's been taken by the evil BlackSmith! The evil BlackSmith's evil goal is to make everyone have ghetto bootys. A fight breaks out between the Chief and BlackSmith in which...
Tries to get away! While in the ship follows in hot presuit, it activates it's grav-beam and brings MC aboard! The MC and his hummer rest in the belly of the ship, as it takes off into deep space!
As he sits there He wonders why would there be airlifts when you could just take the stairs. He then looks out the window and relizes (YES I KNOW) that there is a the improbability Ship. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THAT!
MC does a Battlefront 2 type roll into The Carbine room aboard the ship. Little does he know that no one had blown up those chair type exploding things because MC knows that some asshole blows them up before you can use them to your advantage. The Evil Blacksmith chucks a plasma granade that he got from outside the pink room into the Carbine room. MC does another battlefront 2 type roll into the red base taking cover where everyone always hides behind those things where the plasma rifles are. MC blows his conch shell that he had in his back poket from before and screams, "cartoon characters ASSEMBLE!" so daffy duck drops an anvil from the evil blacksmith's shop on top of the evil blacksmith's head.
And Battlefield 2's Bot #14 starts walking into the wall
and so Bot # 14 found a new life in the dark depths of the wall
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