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Babylon High Day 3
Posted By: Shurmanator<dyshurman@gmail.com>
Date: 11 September 2009, 1:53 am

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>>>////ONI Transmission >>>////Priority Alpha Record Log- Journal Excerpt
>>>////Project Babylon - WARNING: TOP SECRET EYES ONLY
Western Long Island, New York
Earth- 2701
2348 Hours
Mission Clock: Day 19

Damn, it's been a while since I thought-keyed anything down. I guess I can contribute my lack of dedication to this journal to the fact that there has been absolutely nothing interesting going on at Babylon High. Well, before today, that is. I'll just straight up say it to avoid annoyingly suspenseful narratives. I almost died today. Yep. I almost ended my unfortunately brief time in this universe a bit early today. Definitely a frightening thought, and yet it barely fazes me at all now. I guess I'm still in shock. Anyway, here goes.


The day started just like the previous 18 others I've had at Babylon High. I woke up, ate breakfast, and headed off to be a guinea pig in a social experiment. I'm kind of depressed that I've gotten used to that by now, but what can I do about it, right?

The pep talks about inter-species co-existence had stopped at about day 10, and now everyone just walked right to their homerooms. Homeroom was fairly normal, I listened to announcements, got bugged by Atas', did some last minute homework, got bugged by Atas', fruitlessly attempted to flirt with some hot girls, got bugged (and cockblocked at this point) by Atas', cursed my luck, and was bugged by Atas' some more.

Ah well, I still love that guy.

Still, I should have figured that the day was going to suck simply based on the way Trigonometry started. Here's a quick summary.

Mr. Burke (Marginally Passable Trigonometry Teacher): "Are you ready for the test today, Kenneth?"

Me (Borderline Depressed Unwilling Guinea Pig in Worst Social Experiment Ever): "Oh yeah, of course."

Shit, shit, fuck, fuck, what fucking test? Oh fucking shit fuck I'm fucked up the fucking ass I know jack-fucking-shit about fucking trigonometry fucking shit fuck shitty ass fucking shit sauce.

Mr. Burke: Great, I'm sure you'll do fine.

Me: I sure hope so Mr. Burke.

Mr. Burke: (Hands me the Test) Good luck!


Atas' (Annoyingly Pleasant Huge Sangheilli): Good luck, Kenneth.

Me: Yeah, you too.

Go fuck yourself you fucking split-jawed fucking ass-face. I hope your cock gets boiled in chocolate sauce and you impale yourself on a dull spoon by slipping on your own blood that was spilled from the ass-raping you got from a ugly Jiralhanae that reminded you vaguely of Bob Saget. Goddamnit, fucking shit, I'm a racist prick. And who the fuck is Bob Saget? Jesus Christ I need a psychiatrist.

Obviously, I failed the test.

History, which is normally by far my best subject, was not much better. Human History was just another average class period, but I completely forgot the names of all the rulers of the Tenamum' dynasty during Sangheilli History and failed the test during that class period.

Then Lunch.

I had long ago stopped fearing for my safety, due to the fact I had heard that Douchebag had been expelled due to culturally insulting Atas' on my first day (yeah, he dumped a tray of cafeteria food on me, and the Sangheilli gets culturally insulted, oh well), and his gang had long ago disbanded without their complete hive mind. However, this didn't make lunch any more pleasant. No one would even go near my table ever since Atas' became the scariest fucking dude in school and I had been sitting next to him since before that happened. I couldn't talk to members of my own species, and Sangheilli seemed to regard me like they regarded all my brethren, with ample amounts of disdain and resentment.

I swear, other than Atas', they're all sanctimonious pricks.

Also, I got to Lunch late do to the scolding I got from my Sangheilli teacher for failing his History test, and all of the Human food was gone. I was forced to endure a meal of orange grub worms, which despite Atas' saying were excellent, tasted like shit that had been eaten and regurgitated several times. All in all, not a great Lunch period.

Then, Combat Training. And so began the unfortunate cycle of events that would ultimately lead to me fully recognizing my own mortality.

After only 18 days of it, I have already ranked the decision to take Combat Training as a course as one of the top five worst decisions I've ever made. Since the first lesson, our Sangheilli instructors (Jacked Bad-Ass Motherfucker Alien Dude and Geto Endam') had been teaching us all different forms of combat techniques. And this isn't that self-defense bullshit that they teach you in martial arts classes, Sangheilli are not about passiveness and defensiveness. Here we learned how to charge an opponent, always make the first move, tackle, grab, slash, stab, parry, etc. We were given staffs, swords, knives (all holo of course, no real stuff) and sometimes just our fists. To make it fairer, for the first semester we would only be fighting members of our own species. Geto Endam' and Jacked Bad-Ass Motherfucker Alien Dude were not at all hesitant about telling us Humans what worthless pieces of weak trash we were. Considering there were millions of cameras all over the school, including the gym, obviously the staff knew they were saying this, and chose not to do a goddamn thing about it.

Anyway, here's how it happened.

I had stepped into the holo-ring with another fellow student, some pot-head named Jake. Now I know I'm one of the worst Human fighters in the class, but I also knew I could wipe the floor with Jake. I confidently charged forward, spinning my staff in an intimidating circle like Geto Endam' had showed me, and promptly lost my grip on the weapon. It went cart-wheeling through the air like some kind of cheerleader's baton out of hell, and smacked some Sangheilli right in the face.

Yeah, shit.

He fell on his ass, clutching his lower mandibles. Purplish blood spewed forth from his mouth, and his eyes were wide with a mixture of disbelief and anger. Lots and lots of anger.

The rest of the Sangheilli in the class, a good 17 aliens, began to walk forward menacingly. JBMAD and Geto Endam' stepped in front of the line of murderous Sangheilli, and Atas' quickly joined them. As much as I appreciated him getting my back, I doubt even Atas' could stop 18 pissed off Sangheilli.

However, he didn't need to. Sangheilli are obsessed with maintaining a code of honor, and if a superior class, like JBMAD and Geto Endam' tells you not to do something, you don't do it. No words needed to be spoken, and the Sangheilli stepped back to help their fallen comrade.

Geto Endam' turned around slowly to face me. He beckoned me with his hand, and I slowly stepped out of the holo-ring, preparing to be chewed out beyond all recognition.

He was surprisingly gentle.

"You incompetent piece of Human filth. You little sniveling, groveling, insignificant, disgraceful whelp. Have you no sense at all, you puny, worthless sack of skin. You are worse than a child, not able to even hold a simple weapon. You are so unbelievably pathetic that I should beat some brains into you, you disgrace of a Human..."

At this point, JBMAD, the kinder of the two, despite his acronym, walked up to us.

"That's enough, Geto," he said quietly.

Then he turned to me. He spoke in the same quite voice, but added a lot more than just a hint of menace to it. "Don't do that again."

Honestly, I was more frightened of those four words than Geto Endam's whole speech about how worthless I am.

My unfortunate victim was led to the infirmary, despite his assurances he could continue the class, by JBMAD. There were only a few minutes left of class, and we finished without a hitch.

The rest of my day, however, was bathed in fear.

Apparently Sangheilli have some sort of telekinesis, because less than two minutes after I left the gym every alien in the school stared at me like they knew exactly what I did and were planning how to punish me for it. Atas' stayed right next to me, flanking me like some bodyguard, but I knew despite his massive stature he couldn't handle a mob of Sangheilli.

"Listen, Kenneth," Atas' reassured me, "do not worry. It was an accident. I am sure that he will be fine, and so will you. Ignore the glances of my people, it shames me that they would look at you like this when you have done nothing wrong."

"Thanks, Atas'. So you think that this whole thing will blow over, right. I mean, Sangheilli don't hold grudges, right?" I asked.

"Uh..." he hesitated, "actually, Sangheilli are known for holding grudges for dozens of generations, and carry them down through their bloodline."

I am so fucked.

"Great..." I groaned, "awesome."

"Pardon me, Kenneth," Atas' said, "but I do not see how your position is that great."

"Remind me to teach you what sarcasm is one day. If I survive long enough to do so..."

"Have faith Kenneth," Atas' said.

"I have faith that I will have my ass raped, if that's what you're saying," I responded.

I managed to survive through the rest of the school day, and when the final bell rang, I felt a feeling of immaculate relief. I made the mistake of running out the door, not waiting for Atas' and sprinting towards the parking lot where I would be picked up.

I found an army of Sangheilli waiting.

The guy I hit was in the front, a bandage wrapped around his lower mandibles.

"Ish thime to thy, phuny Hoooman." he growled menacingly, my translator not being able to recognize his slurred speech.

Of course, since I'm dumb enough to make my day worse, I chuckled at his speech impediment.

The mob started towards me.

"Hey, wait a minute guys, don't you think that this is a little cliche?" I asked.

Shockingly, the Sangheilli stopped.

On a roll, I continued. "I mean, in every comedy-vid about high school, the protagonist gets beat up by bullies, but then he goes through a training montage and fights back and kicks their asses. You know what's going to happen, and this whole situation is painfully predictable. Come on, have some... uh... honor! Yeah, that's it, tons of honor. Honor coming out the fucking ass, baby. You guys leave me alone, you'll be so fucking honorable that... uh... you ancestors will be happy with you and shit. It'll be fucking awesome, yo. You'll go to heaven, and they'll be like 'fuck yeah, mothafucka' you got so much fucking hona' you, you da' shit, dawg.' Seriously, guys. What would Jesus do?"

The Sangheilli looked at each other, considering this.

Desperate, I played my trump card. "Hey, you know there are cameras covering every inch of this building, right?"

One of them shouted out, his yell translated for me through my earpiece, "Yes, I agree, despite the fact I could not understand much of what the Human just said. This whole situation is being observed by... uh... I mean... it's dishonorable and predictable. I say we just leave."

Amazingly, murmurs of agreement spread through the group. The leader of the mob shook his head at me, and walked away behind the school. The mob followed.

Stunned, at both me being alive and my rapid transition to ghetto lingo, I began crossing the street toward the parking lot. Then a hover car almost ran me over.


The moral of today's story? No matter what I do to get out of the most ridiculous situations, another even more ridiculous and extremely ironic situation arises that I can do nothing to stop.

In layman's terms, my life sucks.