Alternate Parody: Ego not Eggo
Posted By: Guardian
Date: 16 June 2007, 4:50 pm
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Alternate Parody: Ego not Eggo
A Homage to All who made me who I am today.
Produced by - Shadow Gate Inc.
Written by - Guardian
It began oh so not long ago. In a world practically at our door step. Just a few seconds away on a keyboard, connected to the internet through a gaming rig with a blinking RJ-45 port in the back. Yup, a typical reality in the daily life of an author by the name of Guardian. Or was it Shadow, no it was Guardian.
Three years ago the first fiction went up on the legendary halo.bungie.org and within a few hours it was shot down as the lousiest piece of shit ever read. Little did the authors who shot down the piece down know, this was just the beginning. One of the most well known Egos was just born. Next would come the second chapter, somewhat slightly better but still a horrible collection of words.
Then he disappeared, most thinking the n00b was gone. But he returned, oh he very much so returned. Better than ever, king of them all. He came with a intriguing name, well he hoped it was intriguing. Guardian. Yes he was now called Guardian; defender of justice, protector of worlds, nerd of halo technicality, destroyer of evil and of many more names.
He came with a new idea, one by the name of Alternate Reality. One polished with the Code, yes he had learned the ways of halo.bungie.org/fanfiction. He had learned the code, he was set to conquer them all.
The Forerunner are a race revered not only by the Covenant. But also by halo.bungie.org, it's rather interesting. HBO hates the Covenant so much, Elites excluded because they are just so COOL! Now the common grounds that both these parties share are the Forerunner. But if one looks a little deeper. Past the carbonite halls of shame, past the Titanium-A several hundred meter thick defense walls. Away from the legendary "Thousand Posts Land" and deep into the core of HBO, one shall see that both parties are replicas of each other.
Like the original Covenant, at HBO there are cast systems. We have the Veterans or Elites, take your pick. Below them the Regulars or er... there's no classification for this, fuck!
Short and sweet to the point is what we like; where explosions dominate the landscape with dismembered appendages, plasma fire and rockets whiz through the air both screaming for more blood. None of that mushy crap, though two brave authors have dared to dread on this forbidden ground. There both these legends stand amongst the gods that dominate this end of the universe.
One came and built the fortress that stands in this forbidden land, but he soon left for his goal was to get into "The Thousand Posts Land" and govern all, after all the golden Eggo resided within these sacred walls. The second of the two is a lady. A rather very beautiful lady at that.
When she first came to HBOFF, we finally. Finally, united as one body and foamed at our mouths. Crying out in joy and weariness.
"A girl, look it's a girl!" Cried one.
"Holy shit, she has red hair and she's really hot!" Cried Another.
"Is she naked?" Asked another, but we'll leave him alone.
We now call her Draconic, she governs this land and we let her do as she wishes. Mainly because pretty much all of us here are men and we are weak in front of females who are very attractive. But that's besides the point, moving on.
An orb of a nightmarish blue and green traveled the lonely confines of space ever so quickly to meet it's goal. The glistening armor of the human ship. It hungered for the crimson blood and it would receive it's payment. Upon impact the compressed energy reacted with the titanium armor. Melting through several meters of hull plating, through several decks. Swallowing bodies, equipment and anything in it's path.
Blood sprayed condensed into floating globules before being vaporized, all within a second. It was a war, stopping to smell the roses was only for those who could afford it. The human ship released it's own volley of death. A pair of solid sixty-ton tungsten-ferrite bullets. They too screamed for blood as they traveled the lonely confines of space and impacted upon the power of the race known as the Covenant.
Valiantly they let their fury known "We are humanity! We. Will. Not. Succumb to your wills. We will not become the infection that your scriptures dictate and we will not back down. This is war. We. Will. Emerge Victorious and we WILL. LOOK GOOD DOING IT!"
CLIFFHANGER!
The HBOFF community foamed at the mouth again.
Deep in the darkest reaches of Canada lies a writer. We call him CoLD BlooDed, I call him a vegetable. After all I don't know anyone else besides him who's name is the same as a vegetable. Now this vegetable is respected amongst HBOFF by many many writers, obviously I'm not one of them or am I? It should be well known to all that this vegetable is skilled in poppping bubbles and his mother encourages this act. Be weary, all of you!
Next in line from Canada to join us is Dave, now Dave here is cool. The reason why he's cool is simple, his last name. It's Luck, and I'm not kidding folks. It really is Luck. How cool is that? Dave. Luck. BlasTech. Now please excuse me while I flee for my life from this crazy gun Nut.
But on the other hand instead of fleeing I could just wear a bullet proof vest. Opting for that this must also be known, both of them play the guitar and are good at it. The Vegetable is capable of screaming and is apparently in a band, a good band at that. Luck here, the Gun Nut, well he just plays the guitar.
From somewhere on this planet comes Mr. Bill, I'll be honest. I don't know jack shit about this guy. What I do know is that Kale and Russ, whom I shall get to soon. Have made fun of his name in the Exposition at HBOFF.
Following him from Southern USA we have the Mainevent. Unfortunately for him, being fourth on the list he is not the mainevent. I'm sure he'll be screaming for my blood but no first place for you. Shoo!
However one should note he is a capable author and witty at that perhaps even more so witty than Kale or maybe even MORE witty than...
"Oh I feel pretty, oh so pretty, so pretty and witty and gay!"
Halo Fanatic 2006; there are like three of them at HBOFF.
Azatoth, it's a trap! Don't know anything about this poor shmuck either.
Sterfrye36. Finally I get some food for thought. Except the thirty-six doesn't seem very appealing to me. Writer of the famed Longsword R, best known for his chapter Requiem and overall a person who likes to make a parody of himself at every turn of his life. In comparison to I, you'd probably laugh more at his stuff anyway. But try I shall nevertheless.
"To Egotocity and beyond!"
From the Grand Rapids of MI comes Chuckles, best known by his name C.T. Clown. A dark and skilled writer, capable of scaring the shit out of you. n00bs especially. Everyone seems to like him so I suppose I should like him too.
Only six remain, god this is tedious. Guardian here in this Alternate Reality can't wait for technology capable of writing out your thoughts instantly. This would eventually pave the way for Insta-Porn! Where Fantasy is High Defintion Video!
"Vista users. Shut the fuck up!"
SeverianofUrth. A series of sentences for this fellow here. Awesome writer, creative and supremely talented thinks he would like to pimp himself, which would make him a whore. But for some reason it seems to put him in denial. Is a WoW addict, did I miss anything. Sev?
Draconic Dreams. As I mentioned above, she here is the current Empress of that forbidden land we speak of. The land of Mushy stories, attractive. Beautiful and overall an ok team-mate in Halo 3 Beta. Amazingly we both killed each the most in the beta. Currently the author of On the Other Side of the Stars. Thinks it's retardedly long, it probably is and strives to be a published writer some day. That and she's bound to be married, soon.
"My fellow men at HBOFF, We Got 0wn3d"
Oh dear, I almost forgot M.C.C. This guy has posted a few poems on HBOFF and is currently one of the overseers of "The Thousand Posts Land." He's also a computer Junkie and hasn't answered my question yet. That bastard.
Then we have Wado. Kinda like Waldo, the obvious yet mysterious guy. Who's very hard to find, cryptic for the most and barely updates any new stories. Most of us think he's a very good author. Polished and highly creative, he's well known for his Shadows of Archons and Return of the Archons stories, as well as Eternal Sunder and Dark Halo.
A good question right would really really be "Where's Wado? Anyone know?"
Russ, college student. Cool, will murder you for author notes and loved by all. Co-creator of the HBOFF exposition. Also seems to have disappeared.
Master Sushi, another disappearee of HBOFF. I believe he holds the copyrights to the quote "Fuck me rigid and slap me silly, I DID NOT see that coming!"
Finally we have Wiley one of my first friends here at HBOFF. A very good person to talk to and have interesting semi-productive conversations with. He seems to have disappeared from HBOFF and A.I.M. in short a mystery to me. Homage to him.
[inden]Unforunately folks, Guardian here needs to bolt for work. Work the terrible terrible thing that drains one's soul. On this side of the Alternate Reality this is Guardian.
"I'm going to work."
"SON OF A BITCH!"
Author's Note: I am purposefully inserting this here and since it is a attempted Parody/Homage I have purposefully not pr00f r34d this. n00bs.
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