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UNSC screwballs by Codyman
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UNSC screwballs- chapter one
Date: 15 October 2006, 1:03 am
Private James H. Bane slipped on a puddle and fell into the mud. He quickly picked himself up again and keep running through the overgrowth. James was breathing hard, his lungs started to burn, but he didn't stop. James tripped on a rock and fell , he turned around and pointed his gun into the darkness and fired three bursts, he reached for another clip but he all he found was a torn belt. James threw his gun away and tried to get up but something grabbed his feet.
"AHHHHHHHHHH!" a cry rang out through the forest. Several marines woke up and looked around. The Captain jumped to his feet.
"On your feet men, everybody head-count are we all here?" the Captain yelled
"James is missing Captain, Paul says he saw him go into the woods about an hour ago" Lt. Brad Felix said after a minute. The Captain picked up his radio
"James, James repeat this is HQ, respond, this is HQ, James respond" Captain said, he tossed the radio to Private Curtis "Keep trying to contact James" The Captain upholster his rifle "Get the men ready for action, something out there might have gotten James" he said to Lt. Brad.
"Sir he might have just bumped his head on a rock by I'll get the men ready" the Lieutenant said before running off to ready the men. The Captain hi-tailed it over to the Pelican and checked to make sure it was ready to fly. Captain went inside and tried to radio UNSC command. The radio was dead. The Captain was just about to try the emergency radio when he heard a voice. "Captain? Captain? You there?" the radio. The Captain grabbed the radio
"Captain here, we have a lost solider down here repeat lost solider" the Captain said into the radio, but it was still dead.
"Captain, Captain, its me" the voice said.
"Conscience? Is that you? I murder you!" the Captain cried.
"Sir it me, Lt. Brad, who the hell is conscience?" the young Lieutenant asked.
"Um...its my..um.. third grade English teacher, but never mind that what are you here for?" the Captain quickly answered.
"You murdered your third grade english teacher? Ok whatever, the men are ready we're waiting for your order."
"Ok lieutenant, lead on."
"Men, it has 0300 hours since private James was last seen, has anyone seen him early than that." the Captain asked his four remaining soldiers.
"Three hundred hours? What the hell sir? I saw him like three hours ago before we went to sleep." Curtis responded.
"Yeah, really sir three hundred hours, that's like fifty years, James is like twenty" Paul cried.
"0300 hours mean three hours num-nuts" the Captain said.
"Oh well in that case when I was on shift guarding the base James went into the woods to take a dump like an hour and a half ago." Paul said.
"Wait if you were on shift then why were you asleep when that scream woke everyone up." the captain asked.
"Hun? Oh that, yeah I just sleep on my shift, I am pilot not a damn guard." Paul responded.
"You're a guard if I say you're a guard god damn it!" Captain yelled.
"I didn't join the army to be yelled at!" Paul returned.
"I didn't draft you into this army to yell at me!" the Captain shouted.
"I didn't smoke weed in highschool just to get drafted" Paul yelled
"I like shouting" Medical Officer Frank shouted.
"Quite Frank" Paul said.
"Yeah Frank really calm down, your like a animal or something" the Captain agreed.
"Hey, you can't agree with me, Frank start yelling" Paul said to the Captain.
"Well you can't dis-agree with me, Frank yell" the captain cried.
"AGGGGGAGGGG" Frank yelled. Paul and the Captain both started firing their rifle into the sky. Private Curtis fell asleep and Lt Brad was still standing at attention.
KAAAAAABOOOOOOOM!!!!!
A massive explosion rang out through the woods. Something back at base had blown up. "I bet it was your stupid dolly collection" Paul told the Captain.
"It was your stupid ancient Chinese vasa." Captain said.
"It was your white jaguar"
"It was your silk robes"
"It was your solid gold necklace."
"It was your face"
"It was your face"
"WEEEE I LOVE YELLING"
"Shut-up Frank"
"Yeah really"
"Hey don't agree with me"
"I hate you"
"I hate you, and your dumb Inanna Jones movies, which is probable what blew up"
"Hey, hey, guys it was proable a fuel tank or something" Lt. Brad said. The group reached the base and looked around. The Pelican had blown up.
If everyone likes it I plan to continue this series, so please in your commenting please say if you would like me to continue the series.
UNSC screwballs- Chapter 2
Date: 28 October 2006, 7:29 pm
"Son of a manicorn!" the Captain yelled.
"Son of a manicorn, sir, what's a manicorn?" asked Lt. Brad.
"It's a Greek word for mermaid." The Captain explained.
"No its not, it's a big mammal that swims." retorted Paul.
"I wish I was a big mammal that swims" Frank thought aloud.
"No, it's a Greek mermaid" the Captain said.
"Actually it's a-" Lt. Brad started before being cut off by the captain
"It's a mermaid"
"No, it's a swimming mammal"
"Mermaid"
"mammal"
"Um.... sir maybe the definition of a manicorn is not the most important thing right now, I think that the lack of any transportation is much more pressing," Lt. Brad said before the Captain could speak another word. "Sir, we might have trouble completing our mission without a vehicle."
"You know what Lieutenant, you might be right, we might have some trouble setting up a permeant military base here without a pelican to fly to and from the HQ."
"No pelican? That means I have no job, what am I supposed to do without something to pilot? asked a frantic Paul.
"Lucky sir the base is due to be deploy in less than half an hour." Lt.Brad said ignoring Paul.
"Does the base come with a radio?" the Captain calmly asked.
"Radio? RADIO? Who cares about a radio, I need something to pilot, argggggg" Paul ran over to the tents.
"I'm not sure sir, the base isn't really design to be a communicate base." Lt. Brad said.
"Well who's the expert on deployable bases?" the Captain asked.
"James sir."
"Well go get him"
"He's missing"
"Find him"
"We tried sir"
"Radio HQ"
"The radio's dead sir"
"Use the backup on the Pelican"
"The Pelican is destroyed sir"
"How?"
"We don't know sir"
"Well find out"
"We're trying sir"
"Not hard enough"
"If you say so sir." Lt. Brad said before walking off, Private Curtis walked up and said
"Sir, with the Pelican go we have no back-up ammo, it was James job to carry the ammo, and the Pelican held the extra, so until the base arrives we only have the ammo in our guns"
"We who ever is out there is a coward, they'll never attack us if we stick together" the Captain assured Curtis
"If you say so Captain" Curtis said, still nervous
"Son it'll be a cold day in he-" the Captain started before being cut off by a gun shot, KAPOKUA, Curtis fell to ground and grabbed his leg, another shot rang out, the bullet wizzed passed where the privates head was just seconds before.
The Captain grabbed the private and pulled him behind a rock, a third shot, where the Captain had just been standing. The Captain propped Curtis up against the rock tore open the privates pants where the bullet had hit.
"It's a clean shot, the bullet went straight through," the Captain said "FRANK, FRANK, GET OVER HERE MAN DOWN," The Captain shouted before turning back to the private "Don't worry son, you'll get through this son" the captain said reasurily.
"Not this time Captain, I followed you on many adventures, but into the great unknown mystery, I go first Captain" Curtis said before dying, The Captain stood up and took a step back, a shot rang out and hit him in the shoulder knocking him backwards, where he hit a rock, knocked himself out on. The medic, Frank, ran up and check the Captain, seeing was alive and not bleeding much and he check the private, who had just passed out. He started mending the wounds of the private.
Lt.Brad and Paul ran up, and using what was left of the bullets, scared off the mysterious sniper.
"Ok, Ok, maybe it was a little silly of me to think that Curtis died of a bullet wound to the leg after left than a minute" The Captain said. It was two hours later and the Captain and the rest of the team, save Curtis, were in the de-briefing room of the base.
"I'm glad you finally understand, I'm going to check up on Curtis." Frank said, Paul followed him out.
"Lt. Brad report, what happened out there" asked the Captain.
"Well its wasn't a Covenant rifle, and it wasn't a standard Military Rifle, but it had metal shells, other than that we know nothing."
"And what about a radio?" the Captain asked
"The base has one but the antenna was damage in the landing." Lt. Brad.
"I see and what of our missing solider?"
"Well sir if you want my honest opinion I think we'll never see him again." Lt. Brad said, with that the door to the room opened and in stumbled a man in rangy clothes that hung to his body and a thick unshaven beard, Lt. Brad pointed his gun at the man, the man put his hands in the air and said in a raspy voice,
"Cap'n it's me, Private James."
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