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Merick's Journal's by John Kitchen
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Merick's Journal's: Episode 1: Why Sidewinder is better than Blood Gulch
Date: 16 November 2003, 2:39 AM
Journal Date: 10-12-100, or, well, I just can't remember all the digits anymore.
Hey Mom,
This is just your not-so-beloved son Merick checking in, turns out that Sidewinder was really cold, just like you said.... but I don't wanna hear it. My friend Dozer said that if we could only get a few more Rocket Launchers, then we would have it made in the shade, but those darned Blue people keep on taking them first. I really don't like them. I don't like them, not because they're blue, you already talked to me about discrimination, but because they just killed Sergeant Lou, you know, that sniper you thought was hot.... you didn't hear that from me. Well, anyway, also, they took our last Warthog, seems like Obie (the other sniper) was sleeping or camping, or something like that, so we took his stereo away.
Needless to say, General Dominick is not happy with our performance, so he's sending us to Blood Gulch. I know what your thinking.........the laundry won't be any worse then it usually is.
Much love,
Merick
Journal Date: 15-12-100, or, well, I just can't remember all the digits anymore.
Hey mom,
I just got to cut our bases lawn with tweezers for streaking at the blues' base. I know you don't want to think about it, but just imagine that picture of the MC I caught you looking at that one time, with a bunch of 14.5mm tracer rounds being fired at his crotch, not as fun as I thought it would be. I know you're probably ashamed of me, and probably divorce me from the family when the war is over, but it beats getting my under armor all sweaty. I never knew the game would count streaking around the enemy's base as suicide, so they made me wait an extra 15 seconds to respawn! Can you believe that? Also, one shot to the "area" can kill you, funny huh?
I enjoy it at Blood Gulch and all, but I liked the cold at Sidewinder, because then I would be laughed at instead of shot at for streaking, well, never mind. I didn't just say that. Seems like our relationship is weakening, or maybe your dead, either way I don't like it, and I'm going to cut myself tonight when the MC isn't looking. From now on I'm writing to Lizz.
Journal Date: 19-12-100, forget it.
Hey Lizz,
I just got done mowing down fifteen Bluey's with the Warthog's .50 cal. It was so cool! One thing though, I think the server favors them over us, because a suicide respawn only takes five seconds for them, and 15 for us?
I went streaking at my base today; I didn't get punished because the sergeant said it was bad enough that I didn't die, OUCH!!! Well, as my groin tries to heal what's left, I'll take all 250,000,000 pictures that Obie took, and sort out all the one's without me quivering on the ground. I just found out that Fish could play the guitar. I also found out that mules are two different animals...or maybe that was just my imagination, on account that I have never heard of a mule before. Except for when the MC called me "jack-ass" and told me that it was a form of donkey. I took it as a compliment. I think the Blues' are giving in to our supreme firepower. I think they're actually going to let me shoot a gun today! I'm so happy. They said I would get to shoot the .22! I'll kick butt with that thing!
Love, Merick
Journal Date 25-12-100, ditto.
Hey Baby!
This is so cool! We're actually allowed to leave for Christmas! Except for me, I have to guard the base with my .22, I swear, the Blues' have some kind of Overshield because that gun doesn't do squat to them... Today sucked, I just found out that my friend was dating some chick named Tierra, turned out that's this word he had scribbled on his hand... Never mind that. I actually once wrote your name on my ha- oh, sorry. I hope you can understand my pain, I asked Obie to shoot me in the head because certain things don't grow back in this game. Ahem. He did it, then I pistol whipped the jerk. I can't believe he would really do that. Then I got banned from the server for one whole day! I just sat and watched "Cortana's Gone Wild" all day. They are quite amusing.
Love, Your one and only,
Merick
Join us Next Week for more Merick's Journal's things.
Merick's Journal's, Episode II: Streaker's Annonomous
Date: 18 November 2003, 12:26 AM
Journal Date: 17-1-03
Hi Love,
Hey, how you doing? I was just reassigned to Battle Creek, I mean, this place is tiny! We loose hundreds of kills' everyday; I can't believe how far the Blues' have come. I swear, they are going to wipe us off the face if Halo soon. Back to reality now, Alaska is getting kind of cold, if I didn't tell you, I went to Alaska to play Halo for 70 straight days! It is a riot.
Well, today, I decided to go up on top of some arch and go pee. The snipers over there didn't see me thankfully, but that didn't stop them from killing. I was the only survivor of that battle. Well, Obie finally got his fricking stereo back. He was so happy, and then he left and camped a little longer, Sgt. Lou is back in the game, last time I saw him, he was going for the longest respawn time record. He made it, 156 hours, 45 minutes, and 76 seconds. Well, anyway, I need to think of some more strategies. We have seven traders a day! Do you know how many that is!?
Got to go, Love ya,
Merick
Journal Date: 23-1-03
Hey Lizz,
I feel that I'm not wanted and I have decided to become a loner. I kill everyone, and I don't take orders! The best part is that I can streak wherever I want! It's the best thing that ever happened to me. My plan for world domination is coming along quite nicely. All I have to say is that Obie and Fish came with me, we are the marauders! Man, we have heart to heart talks; we even tattoo each other's hands! Oh, man it keeps slipping out. I got some more RAM for my PC, so I'll be able to listen to the audio messages you've been sending me, while I kick butt!
Much Love,
Merick
Journal Date: 1-2-03
Hey Sweetie Pie!
Okay, I've joined back up with the Reds', especially after they fell to their knees once I pointed the Rocket Launcher at them, I love my men. Well, I think it's time for me to say that my butt cheeks have finally gone numb. That's right, the Alaskan chilliness has finally caught up to our cabin. Good news though! More Blood Gulch!! Yeah! I'm proud to announce that "Streaking" is now an official combo button on my keyboard. Also, I hope you know that I want to marry you some day, but I felt that you reject me, always staying home when I leave and stuff, I mean your Grandma died, so what? You still could have come to the LAN party! It was a closed casket anyway! Come on! Loosen up! I'm buying a plane ticket for you ASAP!
IN DEMAND!
Merick
Journal Date: 15-2-03
Hey, someone.
I knew eventually that Lizz would break up with me, so I'm just writing to whoever my bagboy always was at Meijer. I'm glad to know that that guy who was caught beating his little girl was caught, good work bagboy. I'm at a 70 daylong LAN party off the coast of Alaska. It's nice to know that people actually care...well; it's to go streaking!! Yeah!!
In loving memory,
Merick
Journal Date: 16-2-03
Okay,
I'm sorry I creped you out with the "In loving memory" thing. I just got to say that I made Streaking an official MOD for Halo PC. I can't believe that so many people liked it. Well, I was asked to make weapons for this MOD and I think you can figure out what kind of weapons I added to a MOD named Streaking, yeah, right.
See ya,
Merick
Journal Date: 1-4-03
Long time, no talk!
Well, it's been roughly two months since the Blues' last attack on our base. We think that they're planning an ambush, a big one, next time we go Scorpion Streaking. My friend Obie got his "head" (cough) blown off by an 8-gauge slug. Let's just say that he didn't feel any pain. Oooh, it hurts just to remember the scene. Well, I think it's about time that I have become gay. That's right, my hand just got boring, and well, guys are much better kissers.
Love,
Merick
Journal Date: 1-4-03
You sicko!
You really thought I was gay? Well, I found out how you feel then didn't I? Well, the Blues' massacred us! Turns out they blew all of our "heads" off. It didn't feel good. Well, we finally set up a medical station at the Gulch. It seems that we need it real bad. The doctors have to re attach things they thought they would only see during a physical, ewww. So, I need to stop typing to you, I need to try to hook back up with Lizz
Last time,
Merick
Merick's Journal's: Episode 3: Return to Blood Gulch, and The Broken Bagboy
Date: 19 November 2003, 11:28 AM
Journal Date: 3-7-03
Hey Lizz,
I'm sorry; I just wanted to let you know I'm sorry, I knew we should've just been friends all along. Well, I just wanted to let you know that General Dominick ordered Obie and me to a Streaking physiatrist, said it was the only way that we wouldn't get suicide respawns. Well, I need a girl that will actually enjoy playing video games. Well, I wish that all of the other players would finally let me use an actual weapon. And they did. I got to fire of the 8 gauge magnum shotgun today, It kicks pretty bad, but it's damage is magnificent. You see, we have this midget guy joining the Red team. He's actually pretty funny, especially when we have a huge hill we need to climb, he'll try as hard as he can, then run back to the base, as we achieve the objective, and get there 50+ minutes late. It's rather quite funny.
Love In Christ,
Merick
Journal Date: 3-18-03
Hey Lizz,
The classes are going great, we got to watch a video today called "Why The Streaking Man Is Feared". It was hilarious! It's all about this African American man named Keenan who finds out that streaking isn't as fun as he thought. He ended up falling into a bed of nails, needless to say that everything on his body evened out just fine, except for his part. Ahem, that some how was un-proportioned to his body, and the nails drove right through it. I winced when I saw the blood.
Some really bad news! The Covenant are expected to make their strike soon. Our plan is to join forces with the Blues' and then, once the Covey's are dead, whip them in the back!! Hahaha! Well I wish I could talk to your friends again...
Keep your stick on the ICE!
Merick
Journal Date: 3-20-03
Hey,
I have to tell you that my mom isn't dead! She wrote to me yesterday, said that I needed to straighten my scrawny ass up, and so sent her a picture of my not so scrawny ass. Hehehe. Then I wrote P.S. put that in your peace pipe and smoke it. Then she said that when she was in the Penitentiary, 13 lesbians gang raped her, and she said that she was passed like a peace pipe, sorry mom! Well, the bagboy sent me back too! He said that I was lucky, because the day he left, he pulled a shotgun, and killed everyone in the whole store.
Man, I never knew a bagboy would go so far. He also said that I was the root of all his sorrows. He followed up by saying that he was coming to Alaska to see me, awe, how sweet of him.........................oh, shit.
I want my headstone to say: Best Halo Player Ever, Merick Johnson.
-Merick
Journal Date: 4-I'm not dead-Haha
He did show up, but it turns out that he had to beat me to a living pulp, because they confiscated his shotgun at the airport. It was rather embarrassing when the rest of my team came and boot partied me, and then the Blues' came and said: "hey! Now we can beat him out of the game!" That sucked pretty bad. Well, any whoo, I just wanted to say "Hi!" and to let my mommy know that I don't love her anymore.
I got to cut myself last night, the MC always had me on close watch, until last night when they went to a titty bar, said that I wouldn't enjoy it, so I stayed behind. I found out that Monopoly is the Shiznit! I own at that game.
C' ya!
Merick
Journal Date 4-30-03
I would like to pronounce that I am getting married. I met this bisexual chick at the classes, and we clicked, less than one condition though, her girlfriend has to join us, I really don't like that though. Well, she's got brown hair, and blue eyes. She's really hot! I'm so lucky, but then I'm hot too. I even get aroused when I look in the mirror. Hehehe. Ooops.
I think that it's time I stopped writing letters. It's just to fun though. I've been elected into the Aftermath squad, once this thing is done, I get to ride around in a Warthog and pick up at least 700 penis' and at least 100 clitoris', don't ask me how they got there...oh, my God....
In shock,
Merick.
Attention, I will be taking a break off from Merick's Journal's to work on my guitar, organize some drums for our band, and come up with more material. I want to make the next Merick's Journal's just as funny as the first one. Sorry.
Merick's Journal's: Episode 3 1/2: The Poem
Date: 21 November 2003, 7:05 PM
I went off to Alaska,
I knew i wouldn't sun bask-a!
I went to play my life's dedication,
I will ignore your futile comentation!
'Cuz i'm playing Halo,
With all of my friends!
I don't want to check out J-Lo,
I want to play Halo!
I'm on the Red team.
I'll never get hit by a beam.
There are no lasers in Halo.
So quit your imaplo!
'Cuz i'm playing Halo,
With all of my friends!
I don't want to check out J-Lo,
I want to play Halo!
Merick's Journal's Episode 4: John Finds Out That For Every Reaction, There Is An Equal and Opposite
Date: 25 November 2003, 12:18 AM
Journal Date: 5-13-03
Hey, Lizz,
Man, the marriage fell through, and cracked its head on the ground. Turns out she left me for a chick, of all things. Well, all I can say is that I am seriously stumped. I try to push myself up, but I can't.
Hey! Just found out that some loser named John Kitchen has been SPAMing this dude I know, he's also been reading my logs to you, Lizz, then putting them up on some website! This is horse manure!
C ya!
Merick
Journal Date: 5-16-03
Hey John,
That's right; Lizz gave me your address! Hahaha! You want funny material !? Well then come and get it! I just lost my second game of Snipers to a noob. Some Eskimo guy, whose boat ran into our island. He's unGodly good at this game. So, I heard you and Lizz tried to be bf/gf too huh? Yeah, she's a much better friend then she is a gf, to me anyway.
I hope you wet your pants everyday, and I fart in your general direction! Hahaha! Well, streaking is not my cup 'o' tea anymore, now it's mooning. You see, mooning isn't nearly as painful as streaking. When you get shot with a 14mil in the ass, you get an extra shot to run, well as the area, you die.
I hope that my letters to you doesn't interrupt your schoolwork now. I hope you fail Physical Science! Hahaha!
C ya,
Merick
John's letter to Merick
Hey bud,
Listen here, I hate Physical Science, especially since Miss Elder teaches it.
Send me more, John
Journal Date: 5-19-03
Hey,
Hmmm, you play a clever game, well, the first part of my message is:
SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM
Okay, I hope you know that it took me 5 minutes to spell check that big hunk 'o' SPAM! Well, I hope your inbox is flooded! Okay, so it turns out that mooning isn't painful at all, no one really cares. Also enclosed, is a top 10 of why mooning is better than streaking:
1) If you fall down, and don't have a leather cup on, nothing gets torn off.
2) Snipers don't seem to care.
3) If you get shot by a "Rocketeer" then you die, not a get a big, burnt, groin.
4) Everything you've ever known about streaking is totally re-written.
5) There are no groups for it.
6) It doesn't earn you a spot in Red Weekly Times as: "Gayest person in Blood Gulch".
7) You just get called: "The second gayest person in Blood Gulch". Which is a plus.
8) It feels more natural running bare-ass, and then it does running bare-area.
9) I'm not too afraid that I might crap my pants.
10) I can finally see through more than two eyes. (You better not be making fun of my defect!)
Very interesting huh? It's true; I have 7 eyeballs in my butt crack. So what?
Disturbed,
Merick
Journal Date: 6-1-03
Hey Lizz,
Man, that John guy isn't too happy with me. The guys decided to extend the game for 60 more days! This is going to rock! Well, I have one more question, if you work so well together, and we just happened to meet each other, do you think we are destined to be more then friends? Do you think it's a coincidence? Pretty much, yeah.
So, my lovely friend Nicole is going to let me barrow a new CD so I can burn it. No, no, not burn, burn it. Do you get it? You know, I'm gonna burn it...never mind.
Lot's of love,
Merick
Journal Date: 6-3-03
Hey Lizz,
Thank you! Thank you for going back out with me! It feels sooo good, even though I almost married a bisexual, and got beaten by my bagboy, and finally, is obsessed with mooning; maybe you should come out here and flash with me, Hehehe. Well, I hope your life is going hot, I know mine isn't. You see, the Sergeant just came back to respawn, yes that's right, he beat his own record. Obie got his stereo taken away again, this time it was for letting the Blues' get into our base, in exchange for a 3/6 Mafia and Slipknot CD. He is really mad now.
Gotta go calm him down,
Merick
Journal Date 6-6-03
Hey,
I'm so excited, Halo 2 is coming out in a few months now, and the coolest thing is, we get even more decked out looking. I have to admit that new armor is pretty hot looking. Oh, sorry. Well, I really liked it when I could pet your head, and you'd meow, but those days are over. Until I get to see you again. I can drink like a fish now, this one time, I got my blood alcohol level to 4.8, man that is some drunk crap right there. If it was cool to be a fool I'd be hippest guy around; that's what the MC said...
Love,
Merick
Well, loyal fans, I'm sorry to say that the Merick's Journal's Episodes will end at Episode 6. I want to make another fan fiction, which I will. I will also post Merick's Journal's on a website: www.geocites.com/mericksjournals, check there as soon as possible.
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