Makin' It Real (Comedy) by CoLd BlooDed
Makin' It Real (Comedy) Part 1 of 2
Date: 2 April 2004, 5:04 AM
The sun was shining, the grass was green, but Canada—at the moment—was boring. Meanwhile, CoLd BlooDed sat at home, watching the television and talking on msn at the same time when he heard the phone ring. He walked over to it and picked it up.
"No questions! But hey, it's Louis Wu, from HBO, we're inviting you for a tour around our building!" the talker said, "My slaves"—he suddenly coughed—"I mean, assistants, have decided you're welcome to come along!"
"Uh, how did you get my phone number?"
"Erm . . . sorry." replied CoLd as he cocked an eyebrow, this conversation was weird, or it was just Mr. Wu, the holy-respected-all-kind-person-thing-that-runs-a-website-guy.
"The tour is today at noon. Be there, or be . . . square!" Louis suddenly burst into a fit of hysterical laughter; CoLd dropped the phone and almost walked out of the room before the website-host recovered, "Sorry."
"How do I get there?"
"No questions!" shrieked Wu, CoLd jumped and whimpered, but the man responded. "Follow your nose, hee hee, and you'll be here in no time."
"Okay . . ." the 13-year old fanfic writer said, obviously confused, but in his mind he was laughing.
The line suddenly clicked and was followed by a loud buzzing noise, Wu had left the phone. CoLd walked over to the computer and typed to his HBOer buddies:
I WAS JUST PHONED BY LOUIS WU AND HE WANTS ME TO COME TO HBO!
Hawk7886, on the other side, didn't seem too impressed at his response.
Me too! Pwn3d!
CoLd contacted teemus, said the same thing, got the same response, and wondered if both of his sla—
He wondered if both of the HBOers were in on this, trying to make CoLd feel lonely and unappreciated. When suddenly a loud, muffled chirk chirk chirk echoed through his house.
"Kale? What's the noise?!" inquired his mother from upstairs, she had used his name!
"Nothing, mom, just playing Halo with the sound blasted!" he yelled, and to ensure that she stayed upstairs, he said: "Have another glass of wine!"
CoLd ran outside after logging out of his account (which was recently hacked), and looked up, a helicopter with the words "H.B.O 343" stenciled on the sides appeared out of nowhere and landed on the street right beside his home. Wind from the spinning blades of doom caught with other gusts, creating little whirlwinds that caught leaves and dust. The HBOer looked in awe as rocks pelted him in the face, establishing fresh cuts and bruises on his cheeks.
He slowly, but not cautiously, walked over to the "parked" chopper and waited for the door to slide open, this craft, however, was not the nice military ones that the army had.
"Follow my nose," CoLd scoffed and added immediately (Warning: Canadian Stereotype), "eh?"
A man jumped out of the interior of the aircraft and waved the stunned HBOer inside, CoLd BlooDed didn't hesitate to board, if he knew right; his mother wouldn't care if he showed up next week lying in a dumpster with his head taped-up.
He laughed to himself, realizing how serious that would be, and hopped into the helicopter, a fresh odor met his nose.
"We've got pizza." said the man as he brought out the source of the smell, unfortunately, it was covered in anchovies, sunny-side-up eggs, and frozen wads of Smarties. "Courtesy of Mr. Wu, it's his favourite."
CoLd groaned as the helicopter took off, the delicious scent torturing him the whole ride to the unknown land he was headed too.
CoLd BlooDed jumped out of the cockpit (the pilots had let him fly, but made him stop after he ran over a little kid on a tricycle) and moved over to the edge of the helipad. He was greeted by several other HBOers, in the FLESH!
"Hey, CoLd." said a kid who was shorter than himself, Kale laughed.
"You must be Hawk."
There was a sudden thwap and CoLd found himself rubbing his face, then he laughed again as he looked at teemus.
"Sup, teemus dawg?"
He didn't respond and instead fiddled with his visor and pants that stopped at his ankles, a boom-box was propped in-between his bicep and head and he shook his head accordingly with the tunes. It seemed like rap at first, but when CoLd got closer he made out the faint shouting of Avril Lavigne featuring AC/DC, with the rock band desperately trying to drown out the Canadian singer's voice.
"Why you gotta listen to that old crap, teemus?" scowled CoLd as he covered his ears, (I don't have anything against AC/DC and think they're a great band.) teemus shrugged. "And why are your pants so short?"
"Because this song is dope . . . and my mom put these pants in the washing machine, they . . . shrunk."
"I see. . ."
CoLd turned to the others that waited before him, all recognizable. SOS.Odin, Mainevent, Walker, Helljumper, Awacar, Hunter_Killer, Agent Shade, and 'Nosolee stood behind Hawk and teemus, shuffling and talking amongst themselves.
The helicopter lifted off, ruffling up the hair of the HBOers and grass when a man, clad in an Indian uniform, appeared.
"Welcome my children!" said the stranger, but his voice immediately painted him as Louis Wu, the Wu-man, the Wu-minator, the Louie Wuee . . .
"Don't I look a little old to be a child?" asked Helljumper.
"NO QUESTIONS!" Louis screeched at the top of his lungs, all the HBOers shrunk back in fear, the website-host slapped his face and spoke in a calmer tone, "Sorry, I'm beginning to forget that you're not all those n00bs that send me pointless emails. But we'll get to that later. I'm Louis Wu, and all of you were held eligible to join the tour of HBO headquarters, so I hacked your computers and found out your phone numbers."
"You hacked our computers to get our phone numbers?" asked a surprised Awacar, Wu shook his head happily.
"Of course not, I hacked your computers for fun! I got your phone-numbers by a different method."
CoLd didn't like the fact that the HBO-creator hacked his computer for fun, but decided to speak his thoughts anyway.
"I don't like the fact you hacked our computers for fun." he stated outloud.
Wu didn't respond but instead gestured the guests to follow him, the large group shuffled behind him as they moved through a garden.
"As soon as you enter this building," Louis said with his hands behind his back, "you will see the future. We are the future; we create everything and keep it shielded from the public."
"Why do you do that? You could become famous!" exclaimed Walker.
"Because, some things in here aren't for people who haven't 'experienced' the wonderful world of HBO."
"Isn't HBO just a website?" asked teemus.
"Hell no, kid, learn your history." Wu snapped suddenly, his face went rigid and hating, CoLd snickered. "HBO HQ is the place where we administrators reside, tending to every need of the website to ensure that the members stay happy. And if anything goes wrong, they all blame it on me! Me, me, me, me, me, me, ME!"
"Sucks." remarked Odin.
"Indeed," the Wu-man said calmly, "So I make sure that doesn't' happen. Now, let's move inside, this garden is making me tired."
The garden was massive, it stretched as far as CoLd and the other HBOers could see, the flowers were in full bloom and in a wild assortment of colors. Grunts tended the rows and rows of plants, wearing farmer slacks and gardening gloves. The guests pointed and laughed.
"Why is it always us?" a Grunt could be overheard from the cover of a small shrub. "WHY?!"
"Shut up, Payday, remember, a happy Grunt is a good Grunt." replied his friend. "And plus, our hands are the only ones that fit into these incredibly small, but extremely fashionable, gloves."
"Oh yeah." Payday said and attended the garden once again.
The HBOers refocused their attention on Wu, who had continued rambling on while the Grunts had conversed stupidly. The company moved towards an enormous entrance, the large double-doors glistened in the fresh sunlight, reflecting into CoLd's eyes. He screamed.
"Oh yeah, don't look at the glass, those doors are big enough to reflect a sufficient amount of light to blind you." said Louis.
"Oh, thanks for the warning."
CoLd BlooDed rubbed his eyes as the large double-doors slid open silently, the space between the doors were wide enough for the HBOers to squeeze in at the same time. When CoLd had finished blinking and trying to get rid of the yellow squiggles that crisscrossed and danced across his vision his jaw dropped open in awe. The inside of the HBO building was beautiful.
Catwalks extended from walls and intersected with each other; people clad in white clothing walked across them, making the massive room extremely busy. Words fumbled out of Mainevent's mouth.
"How long did it take you to build all this shit?"
"The time it took to construct all this 'shit' took about as long as it takes for you to understand what I'm talking about." replied Wu with a grin.
The group laughed at Main for his misfortune and embarrassment, but he continued with the look of puzzlement on his face, causing the HBO workers to laugh as well. The laughter against Mainevent filled the room, threatening to burst CoLd's eardrums.
They laughed for several minutes until Wu held his hand, an abrupt silence fell upon everyone. Main's expression remained confused.
"I can only tell you that we work in mysterious ways," replied Louis roguishly, and then said in a plain and simple tone, "That, and we ordered it on EBay, no shipment charges!"
Hunter_Killer spoke up, "Can we get on with the tour?"
"Of course," Wu responded quickly. "Let's take a look around the displays, shall we?"
They moved to the far left end of the wall, a large transparent slab of glass separated the HBOers from a court-like room inside.
"This is the court-martialing area," said Wu, "Let's listen in, shall we?"
He slapped a button on the wall causing speakers to poke out of the wall.
"This is the case of the . . . ah! This is the lawsuit concerning Captain Tinkerbelle."
"He was a great Captain, everything he did showed courage, valor, and integrity. Nothing could get in his way—" a tough voice belonging to a Marine echoed out from the speakers, but was cut off by the "judge".
"It says here that he led the four-hundred men under his command to their gruesome deaths."
"I never said he was the best Captain, geez."
CoLd laughed, not thinking of how the situation was until Odin asked Wu: "This can't be real."
"But it is," said Wu with a maniacal grin, "I can't explain it to you, however, but maybe the next window can."
The host led his guests to the next "display" and folded his arms proudly, Agent Shade whispered to CoLd: "Get a shitload of this."
"And this is where we produce Marines." said Wu as he tapped the glass, the soldiers on the other side didn't blink as they played with teddy bears and ate candy, they all sported the regular UNSC uniform.
"Isn't that job for the military?" asked CoLd.
"Of course not!" Louis snapped at him, CoLd whimpered as if hit, "These are the 'semi-invincible' Marines. You know; the ones that come out of the newbie fan fiction stories, the ones that can kill ten Elites by themselves."
The group of HBOers gasped in awe, Wu shouted at a worker up on the catwalks to let the Marines "have it". The enclosed room in which the soldiers played suddenly turned a tad brighter as a metal door slid open, twenty Elites moved into the room.
"Watch this." remarked Mr. Wu coolly.
The Covenant aliens, which seemed almost too real, were immediately assaulted by the Marines who dropped their candy and stuffed animals. None of them bore weapons which struck CoLd as odd, considering he had done quite a substantial amount of fan fiction (and beaten the game). The soldiers went into boxing stances and started hitting the Elites in long swings and uppercuts, the Covenant soldiers didn't stand a chance. Purple blood splattered the walls, teddy bears, and candy, but the Marines kept on fighting.
"When . . . What . . . How did you get Elites?" stuttered Helljumper, "And those dudes better be ODST's, considering they're real and all."
"They're real?!" exclaimed Hawk.
"Of course they're real," Wu replied calmly, recoiling from the glass pane as a massive amount of Covenant blood splattered it, "We ordered them on eBay, now that we own it."
"You got Elites on eBay?!" asked teemus in awe.
"And you own eBay?!"
Then teemus burst into a fit of girly laughter, Wu remained fixated on the battle inside, although the window was spattered with so much blood that the HBOers could barely see through it.
"Hey, hey Ross! Get cleanin'!" ordered Louis, a 'Yes, master!' echoed from the distance.
The display room exploded, but the windows remained intact.
CoLd and the others looked back in, Wu laughed, the fires which had caught on the stuffed animals and other necessities were extinguished, but a silvery substance had collected on the floor. It was forming together.
Pretty soon the glossy grey fluid had been shaped into several bodies, and the sheen disappeared as the armor and skin colors became a part of the reshaped Marines.
"Creepy, very, very creepy." commented SOS.Odin, Louis laughed again.
"Now to the other Marines."
The HBOers moved to the next display, inside were Marines doing exercises; they were buff and looked strong. It looked like something you'd see at boot.
"What are these guys' specialties?" asked Awacar.
"Oh, nothing." replied the Wu-man, "They make good coffee."
One of the soldiers inside accidentally spilled a 'Cup of Joe' onto the polished wooden floor, Wu grimaced. "Clean up in display case three!"
The display room exploded.
"Erm, that wasn't supposed to happen,"
CoLd and the other HBOers didn't look inside and were forced to avert their eyes from the smoldering wreckage as they followed Wu to the next section.
"These," Louis said as he pointed at a conveyer belt which swung around them, small Sergeant Stacker action figures stood on it, "are our Halo/HBO promotional Sergeant Stacker toys."
"What's so special about 'em?" asked Hunter_Killer.
"They are programmed with sound," replied Wu, "And when you play the sounds backwards, it's packed with subliminal messages."
"Yeah, it'll help HBO spread far and wide, maybe even to Russia! Hold on, I'll play it for you . . . backwards."
The toy talked in a freakish tone, but it spoke nothing more than a garble of gibberish. CoLd held back a snicker. No, not the chocolate bar, a snicker, as in laugh . . . hah.
Anyways, the Sergeant Stacker plaything stopped suddenly, the HBOers shuffled around.
"Damn, man, I feel like some burgers and I have a desperate need to kick a n00b." complained Agent Shade.
They moved on to the next area which was another glass display, cautiously looking over their shoulder at the Stacker toy that just seemed to stare . . . inside was a calm green meadow with people strutting around like cows.
"This is our n00b ranching area," reported Wu, "Beware, some are flamers . . ."
And at the last word of that sentence one of the 'n00b's' breathed fire like a dragon, CoLd backed up from the display.
"Hey, CoLd." whispered Mainevent.
"Is there gonna be a Part 2 to this comedy?"
"Okay, good, because I still need some time to think about what Wu said."
CoLd laughed as he finished the paragraph and sent it into the HBO. Wondering what to write for the second part.
Authors Note: Now, in this story, Wu may have come off as a little insane, but this however, is not true. Considering I haven't met him personally, and don't live anywhere close to him, I can only guess that he's a cool guy. And the fun I've poked at the HBOers (including Main) is all just part of the comedy. This is my first comedy, tell me what you think!
-Stamped For Approval
Makin' It Real (Comedy) Part 2 of 2
Date: 12 April 2004, 4:17 AM
Then again, he decided he was just going to make it up, considering that he had no idea what he was going to write.
"So, CoLd, you done the second part yet?" asked Mainevent quietly.
"No! I just started!"
"Okay, good." and the HBOer returned to his confused expression.
Wu had been staring at them, wondering what they were talking about, "Silence! Stop talking, it's getting annoying."
"Oh, don't worry CoLd, I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the CoLd in the story."
Oh, okay. Now let me return to typing.
"Stop making me sound stupid!" Mainevent cried abruptly.
Screw you; I can do whatever I want.
Suddenly and swiftly, the HBOer exploded, showering the others all in fleshy goodness. Everyone groaned, including Louis.
Sorry, that was stupid.
Everything froze in place with teemus vomiting, Wu laughing, and the body parts falling, then slowly "re-winded" like a movie, or more specifically, my story. Mainevent soon became whole, teemus' spew was sucked back into his mouth, and Wu stopped laughing. It was as if nothing had happened.
There we go, now, let's stop this and get back to the story.
Then the HBO website-host led the HBOers to another HBO display, behind the HBO-built glass were HBO benches, and the color of the walls were HBO-branded blue. Branded on the blue wall were the words
HBO RESPAWN ROOM
CoLd raised an eyebrow, obviously confused at the displays importance, and waited for one of the others to ask the question, nervous that the name actually meant what it meant, if that makes sense . . .
"Well?" asked Wu, "Isn't it impressive?"
"What is it?" asked Awacar, CoLd sniggered loudly, sounding much like an obese man having a heart attack. Everyone stared at him, and once he stopped and blushed, they returned their attention to Wu.
"What does it say?" he replied.
"It says 'HBO Respawn Room"." replied Walker.
"Exactly," Louis stopped, realizing that the guests were still confused, and sighed, "This is where the Homelan players, more distinctively, HBOers, come when they die in the game."
"What? So you're saying that Halo multiplayer is real too?" asked Helljumper.
The host looked into the glass, and sitting on the bench was mr. n00b and KP, chatting amongst themselves looking sullen and tired. CoLd noticed a timer up in the corner of the room, glowing red:
Remaining Time: 10 Seconds
The HBOers stood in silence as the clock counted down, listening to the high-pitched tone it emitted after a second passed, and once it reached zero the Homelan players sitting down rose up and walked out a door. But as KP opened the door, CoLd got a glimpse of what appeared to be Blood Gulch in all its grassy goodness.
"What's the matter?" asked Wu in alarm.
"He gasped." replied Awacar.
"Oh, I see."
"Stop talking, now."
"Alright! Sheesh, someone's cranky."
"I thought you said stop talking."
"I did, so let's stop."
So they stopped.
"SHUT UP!" yelled Hawk at the top of his lungs after the arguing pair had finished, everyone looked at him, watching, carefully examining, and driving him to the breaking point. "Don't look at me, you freaks, I won't talk like you, I'll die first!" Everyone continued to stare as the HBOer rambled on, changing words that originally belonged in the level transcripts, "Mind your own talking place, you bastards are everywhere! Be loud! That's what I did . . . be loud. They took the HBOers, oh, God, I can still hear that goddamn conversation!"
"Quiet Hawk." CoLd said angrily.
"Bastards," the HBOer sobbed, then he screamed, "Just leave me alone! CoLd? Awacar? Louis Wu? Oh, God . . . they talked . . . and stopped, get it? Stopped! They won't make me talk, oh, no, please don't let them make me talk, please, God . . ."
"Wow, that was useless," Wu said confusedly, "but if you redirect your attention to the display . . ."
"Uh, Louis, I think Hawk just had a nervous breakdown." informed 'Nosolee.
"That's too bad."
"Okay, let's not get into this again."
"I completely agree."
"What the fuck? That doesn't even make sense."
Hawk whimpered. CoLd ignored him and asked Wu to move on to the next display, the webmaster led them to it. Behind the glass were people, not lots, but some, and CoLd recognized them instantly.
"What the hell is this supposed to be?" he asked suddenly.
"This is where the people go that want to be in your story," the host replied, "They've been waiting here since Part 1."
"Well, this is stupid."
"Hey, kid, shut up, this is your story."
CoLd looked up where the glass ended and was replaced by a metal wall, in large, bold letters read
Random HBOers Who Wish to be in CoLd BlooDed's Comedy
As he looked at every face of the people inside, he listed them out-loud, "Sentinel . . . Hell Starter . . . MCC (Also known as MC's Cousin) . . . Nick Kang . . . JJiggsaww, and teemus."
Wait, how did teemus get in there?
"How the fuck did you get in there, teemus?" asked CoLd quizzically.
"I got lost!" he pressed his face up against the glass, "I can't breathe and it smells in here! I think it's MCC."
CoLd ignored him and looked at the others, they looked sad, they wanted a line, and he knew it. The sympathetic HBOer looked at Wu, blinked twice, and opened his mouth to speak, then blinked again.
"Let's give 'em what they deserve!" he said happily.
"Aye aye, you frequently-blinking asshole." replied Wu.
The display room suddenly exploded, vaporizing the people in the room before the guests' eyes, CoLd rubbed his hands together. "Hope that'll get rid of them, those desperate bastards, they shouldn't have asked to be in this story."
Louis scribbled something on the glass.
Soon to be a Starbucks
"Damn, that company is going to rule the world." said Odin thoughtfully as he took a sip of his Mocha, and then muttered, "Bastards."
"Now, onto the next section, although I warn you, it may not be pretty." Wu said and led them to another display; the inside looked very much like an office, and at one of the desks sat someone. "That's . . . Stuntmutt."
The HBOers looked into the glass, Stuntmutt was scribbling frantically, muttering to himself: "Gotta reach the deadline, come on, Stuntmutt, think, THINK!" Then he noticed Wu and his guests staring in on him, the One One Se7en creator pulled out one of the Halo Shotguns and fired into the glass. "I'm not an animal; I shouldn't have a freakin' glass pane in my office!" Stuntmutt fired again, "You bastards, stop looking at me!"
Louis chuckled heartily, "That foo doesn't know what he's talking about."
The door inside the exposed workplace opened suddenly, and inside walked the people who had been blown up in the previous display, except teemus, he was dead. JJiggssaw walked up to the window and pressed his face against it, the glass become foggy every breath the HBOer took.
"Come on man, at least let me have one line, I can even become a n00b!" JJiggssaw yelled, his voice slightly muffled.
"There you go!" replied CoLd.
JJiggssaw attempted to talk again, but his skin grew over his mouth so he couldn't talk. Nick Kang stepped up to the window and tried to talk, but CoLd had had enough.
The display room—yes, you guessed it—exploded, enveloping the HBOers (and the forgotten Stuntmutt) in a sudden white flash. Wu sighed.
Just then, an AI appeared on a pedestal beside the host, "Louis, the army is outside, threatening to bomb the HQ."
"Which army is it?"
"Oh, well, that's not a problem."
"They claimed to have Bottle Rockets and Roman Candles!" the female AI said urgently, "Wu, I suggest you take the proper precautions."
"Fine! Send out the Helljumpers."
"Yes, Louis." the AI flickered and disappeared.
"Great, now that that's taken care of—" Wu was cut off by a screeching sound.
"They're opening up with their Bottle Rockets, return fire!" a stern voice, perhaps belonging to Captain Keyes (or the voice actor), echoed over the P.A. Everyone inside the building started to scream and run around frantically.
CoLd slapped his face.
"Now they're dropping the Mighty Mites! Take cover!"
Several dull thumps echoed through the large, single room which made the HBO HQ, everyone looked up and laughed when nothing followed the thuds.
"False alarm, they were duds . . . and rocks."
"Well, that concludes the tour," Louis said, "Sorry for such an abrupt end, but since we are under a minor attack"—there was an explosion, most likely from the ODST's outside—"you have to go, if you can kill someone, it would be very appreciated."
"Hey, Wu." whispered Mainevent.
"It took you two parts of a series to construct this HBO HQ?"
"Yeah, it was inflatable."
Mainevent sighed as several more bumps emanated through the chamber. Then looked at CoLd, "You suck, making me look so stupid."
"That hurts." CoLd replied with a frown.
"Deal with it."
"No, seriously, you're stepping on my foot."
"And I said deal with it."
The fictional CoLd looked at me.
What do you want, ugly?
"Hey, you just called yourself ugly! Dumbass . . .
he paused and then added, "But I was gonna say, this comedy is getting out of hand, I suggest you end it."
No! Make me.
"Oh, hell naw, it's on."
CoLd lunged for me, I sidestepped and kicked him in the stomach, but I dropped to the ground gasping for air . . . as did the fictional CoLd.
"Son of a bitch!" he cried and punched me in the face, he clutched his eye.
I kicked him in the nuts. Realizing what I had done, I cried out and dropped to the floor, wondering if I would ever have children.
"Stop hitting! Stop!" yelled Louis suddenly, I stopped and returned behind my computer and typed.
I'm sick of this shit; you all deserve to die, except you Wu, because you're cool.
An explosion rumbled through the HQ suddenly, engulfing every single HBOer in a brilliant flash while Louis flew with his jetpack out of the wreckage to safety.
"Well, looks like they did have a working Mighty Mite, and it weighed over three-hundred pounds!" the man said over the P.A before the HBO building was destroyed.
A man stepped out in front of me, he was wearing a black suit and a tie, "Damn, man, where's my Starbucks gonna go now, huh?"
Sorry, but this was just a story.
I had no other choice but to pull the plug on my computer, leaving everything I had recently typed to fade into nothingness.
"Yeah, dude, the end." Nick Kang said, I had completely forgotten he was supposed to get lines!
Oh, sorry, might as well give everyone who wanted in a line.
"Dude, why'd you end it like that?" asked Sentinel.
"See? I told you I was in the story." MCC said happily.
"Hah! That was great." stated Hell Starter.
"Me equals invincible!" yelled teemus.
You already got lines, jerk. teemus exploded. Okay, now it is:
Oh, shit, sorry for not mentioning some of the people in this one that I did in the last, such as Hunter_Killer, Agent Shade, and 'Nosolee. If I forgot to mention someone who was in the first part, just say.