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Hungover and Stoned, A Transcript by Master Chief Spartan- 117
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Hungover and Stoned, A Transcript: Part One
Date: 29 September 2005, 3:32 am
KEYES:
Cortana, all I need to know is did we lose them?
CORTANA:
I think we both know the answer to that.
(Pause, cut to interior of PoA's bridge. A large turtle floats across view screen)
KEYES:
We made a blind jump.... How did they -
CORTANA:
Get here first? The Covenant ships have always been faster. As for tracking us all the way from Reach, at light speed my maneuvering options were limited.
KEYES:
We were running dark, yes?
CORTANA:
Until we decelerated. No one could have missed the hole we tore in subspace. (Pause) They were waiting for us on the far side of the planet. (A giant pencil floats through Cortana.)
KEYES:
So, where do we stand?
CORTANA:
Our fighters are mopping up the last of their Recon picket now, nothing serious. But, I've isolated approach signatures from multiple WTF-class battlegroups. Make it three capital ships per group. And in about ninety seconds they'll be all over us.
KEYES:
Well, that's it then. Bring the ship back up to Combat Alert Alpha. I want everyone at their station.
CORTANA:
Everyone sir?
KEYES:
Everyone. And, Cortana...
CORTANA:
Hmm?
KEYES:
Would you like fries with that?
CORTANA:
No, my technician said that fries are unhealthy.
(Cut to interior of a hangar bay of some sort. Birds flying around, feathers everywhere, Marines stumbling around stoned out of their heads, Hogs, Scorpions, and falling shipping crates. Marines' yelling for anti sting alcohol though the author sincerely doubts that it's for cleaning scorpion stings. A single Longsword -for a sense of scale, it's easily six or seven times as large as a shipping crate or the man trying to fit it into a sheath.)
LOUDSPEAKER:
Attention all combat personnel. Please report to your action stations when you are in a drunken pallor. (Long pause. Hog skewers Marine on tusks. NBC Camera man follows it.) Fifth Spittoon, secure drug holds on Deck Eleven. Fourteenth Spittoon, rendezvous with 22nd Meth Maker at Bulkhead LSD 14.
SERGEANT:
You heard the lady. Drink like you got a purpose.
(Marines stumble about stupidly.)
LOUDSPEAKER:
This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill. Well, actually it is but for copyright reasons Black and Decker would sue us if I said it was. And I don't think the UNSC Brass Piggy Bank has that much in it. Oh, what? The speaker is still on?
SERGEANT
Men...keep your eyes down those bottle necks, fingers on Tylenol, and we all end up with much better hangovers. (Pause) (Quickly) Am I right Marines?!?!
MARINES (drunken stupor): Wha huh M.J.? Where?
SERGEANT (becoming angry due to his invulnerability to everything. Including alcohol):+
For some reason, it isn't our job to finish what the flyboys started. Yet we are leaving this ship Stoners, and engaging the Covenant in O'Denny's Meth Lab and Pub. When we meet the enemy, we will out drink them and throw up in their mugs laughin ! (Pause) (Loud) Are you drunk, Marines? (quietly) Cause I'm not.
MARINE: ( Still in drunken stupor)
Wha suejehf Mam… wait whas ma line…
SERGEANT:
Mmmmhmmm. Damn right I am. Now stumble out! Double time!
(Pause as the marines stumble out.)
LOUDSPEAKER:
All personnel please direct your attention elsewhere during the following public service announcement. Brought to you by… wait hold on… Does that say Jack Thomas or Jack Daniels? What?!?! What cockbiting fucktard put Jack Thomas on here? What? What do you mean the cockbiting fucktard is right behind me?
SERGEANT:
All you Green Day fans (not that there is many in the Halo Universe) who wanted to see them in tour...this is gonna be your lucky day. Somebody stole a Gremlin* with some tickets in it but left the tickets here.
(Cut to view of screen. Words: wth y u wak ded u no l33t shisno.)
TECH 1:
Whoa...Sir?
TECH 2:
Yeah, Cortona's anti slang algorithms are on strike.
TECH 1:
Okay. Bringing low-level systems online. Breaking the vat in thirty seconds. (Pause) He's alive! Attempting homicide in five!
Part 02: Reveille
TECH 1:
Tube shows green. Damn… cycle complete.
TECH 2:
Sorry for the revive, Guzzlin Junkie. Things are a foamy right now. The hangover should pass quickly.
TECH 1:
Sorry to have you back, Sir. We'll have you drinkin-ready stat.
TECH 2:
Junkie, please look around the room. I need to get a calibration reading for your mug's diagnostics.
TECH 1:
I'm bringing your intoxication monitors online, Sir.
TECH 2:
Vital signs look normal. No freezer burn. Okay, sir, go ahead and climb out of the brewing vat. (Pause as the Junkie climbs out) I gave you a double-dose of herbal tea to help your hangover. Take a quick walk around the Brewery and join me at the alcohol diagnostics bar when you're ready. (Pause) Stand on the red square please. I know the Bartenders usually take care of your alcohol sensors, but we're short of time, Junkie. Just look at each of the flashing bottles to target them. When you lock on, it'll target them.
TECH 1:
Sir, I'm getting some calibration errors. I'm going to invert your drinking pitch, so you can see if you like it better that way. Try targeting the flashing bottles again. Is that better or should I switch it back? Okay. Try looking up and down again please. Do you want me to leave it like that, or switch it again? Okay, I'll leave the pitch normal. But if you want, you can change it yourself, later. I'm ready for the Intoxication Monitor test now.
TECH 2:
Follow me to the Intoxication Monitor Bar.
LOUDSPEAKER:
Drinking teams: sensors show inbound Covenant brewing craft. Stand by to outdrink sobers.
TECH 2:
Okay, bring his Intoxication Monitors online please.
TECH 1:
Alright. Monitors read as fully drunk and stoned.
TECH 2:
Okay Sir. Bring them down to test the automatic recharge.
TECH 1:
Recharging normal. It's showing intoxicated across the board.
KEYES:
Bridge to Brewery 2, this is Capt. Keyes. Send the Guzzlin Junkie to the bridge immediately.
TECH 2:
Captain, we'll have to skip the weapons diagnostics and I-
KEYES:
On the double, crewman.
TECH 2:
Aye aye sir. (Pause) The skipper seems jumpy, we'd better get moving. We'll find you weapons later.
TECH 1:
Okay. I'll leave the self-diagnostics running, at least.
TECH 2:
ou'd better get to your meth lab , Sam!
TECH 1:
Affirmative. I just have to reset the computer and I'm outta here! (banging on the door) Oh god! They're trying to get through the door! Security! Intruders in Brewery 2! No, please don't-AHHHHH!!!
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