Halo 2: Unfortunate Events (Comedy) by Burny
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Halo 2: Unfortunate Events (Comedy): Chapter 1: I Think I Shit Myself
Date: 21 April 2004, 8:02 PM
Halo 2: Unfortunate Events (Comedy): Chapter 1: I Think I Shit Myself
(A/N: This is a comedy about what happens after the first Halo. This series will be very screwed up in every possible, horrifying, nasty way. Contains crude and sexual humor, strong language, and general stupidity. Anything in parenthesis is when I, Burny, am speaking. Now let's begin).
Seeing as though the Master Chief had just finished destroying a Covenant armada and self-destructing a mysterious round-shaped artifact, you'd think he'd be...relieved to have finished such a daring thingy of bravado. (Well, yes, most of the time that would be the case but not this time).
So after the script finished and the game had ended, the Bungie team went on a coffee break because "we worked so damned hard on frickin cartoooooon." So, while this was happening, Cortana had some *ahem* fun. (Although MY definition of fun is different then yours or his or that fat guy with the zits on his back that form a boat and...where was I? Oh ya...)
In the Longsword interceptor's luxury bedroom, which somehow mysteriously appeared, you'd think someone was being raped but noooo. In fact, the AI was having sex. How an artifical intelligence can have sex is beyond me and God's law, but...that's beside the point.
"Oh yes! Yes, yes, ohhhh yea!! OH, it feels SO good!!" Cortana moaned. The Master Chief opened the door slowly. "Give it to me! Give it to me!" she kept screaming.
The Chief slammed the metal door open to reveal Cortana...taking a shower? Using Herbal Esscense shampoo? In the middle of freakin nowhere? It couldn't be so! It couldn't possibily--
"Cortana!" the Chief announced. "What the fuck, I say! What the fuck!"
"What?" she replied, her holographic form projecting nudity, "you thought I was having sex? Again?" The Chief stared at her big, holographic boobs. "Hey?! Hello?! Quit staring at my booblets, dammit!" She sent a neurological shock to his brain. (How the hell did you do that?)
"Cuz I'm bad-ass like that, aduhe!"
"Ahhhhhhh!! Shit, shit, SHIT!" John screamed, running around in circles. "DAMMIT, Cortana! I think I shit myself because of you!"
The Chief patted his groin/butt armor plate, which resembled a thong, and then shaked it from side to side. He heard a liquidy sound sloshing back and forth within the painful yet attractive-to-an-AI thong. "Intel reports from the battlezone confirms I have shited myself. Commence desanitization process!"
The Master chief imitated the noise a submarine made when it dove beneath a body of water while slowly crouching down as low to the floor as he could go, then quickly stood up. A little square hole in the Spartan's rear-end area opened, revealing his muscular, taut, sweaty ass cheeks (and in Cortana's mind, sexy) to the light as the liquid poop flushed itself from John's armor. Brown chunky liquid poop splashed onto the floor with small yellow chunks mixed in (that's corn, folks, in case you couldn't put two and two together to make four, o_O).
Cortana looked down at the pool of liquid poop the Chief was standing in. She looked positively revolted that something as horrific as that lived in the corridors and passageways of Spartan 117's rectum. The hole in his thong slammed shut with a metallice clang, and the Master Chief sighed relaxingly as the clean-up bots in his armor proceeded to give his arse a spring-time clinliness smell. Behind his helmet visor, he grinned delightfully.
A few seconds later, the Bungie crew walked into the room. They looked down at the Spartan's feet and started cursing him and making sounds of disgust. All except Jason Jones, of course, Due to a brain anomaly he contracted at the age of six, he could eat or drink just about anything that the average human can't.
So ya, like a ravenous dog, Jason got on his hands and feet and started slurping up John's diaherria. The song "Fat Fuck" by CKY blared in the background, the lead singer putting emphasis on the line "Uh oh, I think I shit myself. 'Awwwww!!!'" Two members sprinted over to him to restrain him, but kept slipping and sliding on the MC's shit like it were a skating rink.
The Chief shook his head quizzically, proclaiming proudly, "Now if that's not a devoted fan, I dunno WHAT is..."
A/N: All I have to say..."One, Big, O_O". LOL To be continued. In the next chapter, the Master Chief discovers a very horrifying...something or other. You'll have to read the next chapter to find out what it is...muagagagagagaga!!!
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