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Halo's ILLNESS (Comedy) by Burny
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Halo's ILLNESS (Comedy): Chapter 1: Them Smelly Ash Trays
Date: 17 November 2004, 12:12 AM
Halo's ILLNESS (Comedy): Chapter 1: Them Smelly Ash Trays
A/N: This is another comedy, by me Burny, and I know it's been awhile. But because of Halo 2's release (and my completion of it on 11/16), I've gotten some inspiration to write more Halo fanfiction. This won't be as screwed up as my other comedy (which I'm discontinuing). This one will just be plain...weird. There will be Halo 2 references in here, so if you haven't beaten it, I'll put spoiler warnings before the chapters that contain...spoilers. Other then that, pleas enjoy.
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"To be truthfully honest with you," the Master Chief said to his class of trainees, pacing back and forth, "war is a very, very, very, very...ill thing for everyone. People die and the Covenant celebrate in their gay festivities. Do any of you know why this is?" His voice was stuttering a bit, as if a stick was shoved up his ass. A trainee raised his hand. John called on him: "Yes, do you have the answer?"
The trainee nodded energetically. "Yes, yes...I do." He paused, and his tongue dropped from his mouth. "HAHAHAHAHA!!! WOAH!!"
The Master Chief stared blankly at the trainee, trying to scratch his head, but realizing he was wearing a helmet. (How did that get here?) "Anyways, class, if you would all take out your Berrrrr-RATZ dolls..." John-117 paused...paused...paused...zzzzzzzzzzzz...*BZZZZZTTT* AHH shit, sorry. I fell asleep! Hold on, hold--BIFF! Fat BIFF, you aus hole! Come here, you fat thirteen pound lump of illness, you! Crack the cat's tail, crack the cat's--
"Will you get on with it?!" the Chief screamed, lunging at the camera (how did that get here?) and knocking it over on its side. Thus the super-soldier ignited a riot within the classroom and, inadvertantly and somewhat unexpectedly, Carrot Top barged in. "Dial straight down the center...at C-A-L-L-A-T-T. It's a free nigger for you, and a bullet to the head!"
"What'd you just say, punk?!" a black trainee yelled over all the chaos and mayhem. Before Carrot Top could respond, some Covenant Grunts (where did they come from?) broke a beer bottle (where'd they get that from?) over his head. Or tried, at least, because that damned orange afro bounced the beer bottle back up and hit the Grunt in the face. This gave the black man a chance to attack CT, who was trying to hump the black man to death, orgasming "OMGWTFLOLBBQBLACKMAN! OMGWTFLOLBBQBLACKMAN!" over and over again.
The Grunt doubled over and when he got up, he suddenly started babbling some amazingly ill stuff: "Look at the petri dish roll about the ground as car-wash candy apple grandma hustlers pull a Splinter Cell on the foreign policies of Al Franken's presidency. Please, ignore the gym bag that just laughed at your Jesus necklace."
This caused everyone in the room to stop brawling like the Call Collect commericial in the Old West (all except for Carrot Top who continued yelling his insane acronym and humping the black man to death) , except it's now in the future...with a shoe-string wrapped around its legs...*AHEM*, excuse me. Anyways, the Master Chief pointed over to the Grunts and yelled in his best Lil Jon voice, "YEAH! GO GET 'EM!!"
Then the beat for Usher's 'Yeah' started playing, closing off the exits for the Grunts. The lights went off, a stage appeared, and the Chief started doing smooth moves just like Usher, with the trainees being back-up dancers, and Sergeant Johnson yelling "YEAH" "OKAY" and "WHAT". Cortana's naked hologram and Miranda Keyes started rubbing up against him like they do in them gangsta music videos. All the while with the Chief singing the lyrics to 'Yeah'.
This confused the Grunts. How did these Humans know what their gay dance was? Were they gay too? No, they reasoned, two of their females were rubbing against the Demon. Excited and aroused, the Grunts ripped off their gas tanks and instantly died. Carrot Top's dead body (how did THAT happen) wasn't moving, but his legs were, and the dead zombified corpse start flopping its legs around to the music.
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After many hours of doing falsely-named "gay Covenant dancing" (in my opinion, it seemed more like sporadically correct air fencing), them smelly ash trays came up from the air (wait, how can that happen?) and killed everyone. Except for one guy...
"HAHAHAHAHA!!! WOAH!!"
A/N: Feedback is always appreicated people. I'd love it if you give me good honest criticism on what can be improved and if you found it funny. Stay tuned for Chapter 2, everyone. Good night and happy Halo 2 playing, yo!
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