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Comments for 'The Last War, Chapter Four: The Survivors' |
Kaizen
5:51 pm | June 19, 2004
Wow this was crap. None of the spartans are named matrix, titan blah blah blah. try fred? linda? kelly? people who actually are spartans
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Pooman
6:52 pm | April 12, 2004
Wtf? that wasent me. lol
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POOMAN
11:29 am | October 4, 2003
SHADE JUST EXPLANED IT STUPID
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Dwain Faithfull
11:42 am | September 3, 2003
Somethings bugging me, i remember in The Fall Of Reach, Dr. Halsey or some 1 saying the the MJOLNIR suits were shielded from EMP...
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pooman
6:29 pm | August 22, 2003
ok thanks for clearing that up
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Jinkaiden-XI
11:04 am | August 22, 2003
Great work on this one, Shade. The story line is incredible, the plot is fantastic and the enemies keep mounting. Ah...good ol' fashioned 'what-will-we-do-to-win-this-one' style. Good times, good times.
Anyway, sweet ending. The cliffhanger was a great addition and the details on everything were awesome.
Okay, okay, minor errors but no big deal. It flowed well and the mistakes did nothing to ruin the story at all.
I'm trying to remember all the things you put into this series so that I can help improve the first stages of my next series: Savior Garden, which I will try and make a little freaky. (Give me a break if it isn't, I'm working on it.)
In Light of Destiny will finish first, and then Savior Garden will show up shortly after the final ILoD part.
Great job, keep it up.
Jinkaiden-XI
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Agent Shade
2:06 am | August 22, 2003
thanks a lot Jink, and i hope to read your new series soon
to pooman, it depends on the amount of EMP you could say...a weak blast wouldn't make the Xenocides budge, but since the rifles fire large bursts of EMP, it goes right through...however, it sometimes isn't effective and continuous shots are needed
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pooman
8:31 pm | August 21, 2003
i just read the fall of reach and do the xenodines have the same armor as spartains? because in the story dr hasley says the armor can withstand EMP blasts
10/10
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Knightmare(MM
9:21 pm | August 20, 2003
Ouch. Pain.
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Agent Shade
7:28 pm | August 20, 2003
water-skiing accident...my one ski flew up and hit me in face...
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monitor101
6:41 pm | August 20, 2003
EMP rifles cool! Really good Shade you have proven your worthy yet again! 10/10 keep them coming! Hey I just the comments for your last post you got lip surgery why?
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monitor101
6:41 pm | August 20, 2003
For those of you wh care I will be posting the next two vhapters for the virus shortly.
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Knightmare(MM
2:11 am | August 20, 2003
Hey, look, I even spelled vicinity, vicinty.
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Agent Shade
12:00 am | August 20, 2003
thanks Knightmare, i will do my very best to correct the problems
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Knightmare(MM
9:00 pm | August 19, 2003
In counter attack:
"Shade looked up from the wounded marine he was attended."
I see a problem with that one. I just offered some suggestions as to how you might fix it.
Bad grammar on my part with the logistics thing. What I meant was:
Spartans are trained to trust their eyes, because they don't break. There are countless variables you can't account for, such as those sensors not sensing correctly on the Pelican.
The beef with the Marine is that the Spartan can't trust him as a reliable source because he's in the heat of a combat zone, cut off from everyone but those in his immediate vicinty.
It's sloppy field work.
He (the Marine) does not have proper communications equipment and thusly cannot obtain the information he would usually have, such as maps of the area, combat updates from higher in the chain of command etc.
There might very well be a group holed up in a bunker (the surrounding areas so thick with radiation that the Marine forces in the area couldn't penetrate it) and thus assumed it to be uninhabited.
In the words of Tom Clancy's 'Teeth of the Tiger', "Assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups."
The daughter thing occurred to me shortly after I finished my comment, and I was too lazy to correct it. You're right though, I should have read more carefully.
Indeed, the Too happens with everyone, which was why I wasn't that harsh with it.
Glad to see that you defend yourself instead of taking it. Keep it up. Hmm... lame reference...
Lame reference....
'Data'bank
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Agent Shade
7:37 pm | August 19, 2003
Good comments, Kightmare, you also need to read a bit more carefully...
for the Women part, i stated that there was an old lady there, and her daughter...do you really think an 8 year old child will have a mother who is around 80?
the too is a common mistake in everyone's writings
habitants, i must've overlooked it, really tired
i don't see a problem with a sentence like "he attended the wounded"
grammar problems are in everyone's story, i'm sure a lot of us nearly failed english because of it
i do not understand this massive breaks of logistic part though, what part do you refer too when you say "Surely a Spartan team leader is more thorough than trusting the word of a single Marine without the support of his usual chain of command"
anyway, thank you
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Knightmare(MM
5:53 pm | August 19, 2003
Alright I'm getting sick of these goody words, people have a lot of improvement to do on ratings. I'll say this: Your story was good, it was realistic. Spartans dropped dead like flies, just as they should have in that type of situation.
Their goals were pretty down to earth (laugh at the pun if you feel like it. Bwuahaha), saving people in all. Just keep in mind what Data is going to do with those EMP rifles he sees them using.
On the negative side of things, your grammar could have been helped with YOUR eyes going over it, not just those of the spell-checker. I found a lot of errors there.
To give you an example:
Women (should have been Woman, or Girl, since I get the view of the Daughter being around eight years of age)
Too = To (Easy mistake to make, so there isn't too much emphasis there)
Habitants (Inhabitants might have worked better here, or people, survivors etc.)
But when he says this, you've got to consider the massive breaks in logistics. Surely a Spartan team leader is more thorough than trusting the word of a single Marine without the support of his usual chain of command (Who at the top have access to a ton of sensory equipment)
Attended (Attending, or patching up)
I'll give you some more points for the presentation of your ideas, it fell into a nice order, so I feel you deserve that. Try adding a bit more suspense next time, right in the middle of the fights. The HAVOK was good, I didn't see that coming.
If someone asked me to rate this thing, I'd give it at best: 6.5.
Be as harsh with me as I am with you... because my stories obviously need improvement, just as everyone else's. I just got sick of people saying 'YAY! 9,0! 10/10!' with every story they rate.
I ask the people that do that... HOW DOES THIS HELP THE AUTHOR!?
Anyway, my ramblings done, keep on submitting, Agent Shade. I'll keep reading.
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Elfster
5:18 pm | August 19, 2003
Titan dying was sort of sad, but it added spice to the story, Nice job.
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Da Mann
5:02 pm | August 19, 2003
Yeeaaaahh! Rock on!
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DUDE
2:06 pm | August 19, 2003
KEEP IT ROLLING
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