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Comments for 'Halo Trilogy: The Tears of War (Chapter IV)' |
Alpha Lance
12:48 am | September 13, 2003
Wow, lets just all chill and drope it, just forget about everything. Sergant B is starting to turn around.
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Sergeant B
12:36 am | September 13, 2003
I did!
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Jinkaiden-XI
11:49 am | September 12, 2003
While criticism may be the 'program', constructive criticism tends to be less childish. I've been taking note of the way you respond to some people and it makes me wonder what people do this for. I find calling stories crude and idiotic names and somewhat demanding your expectations met from others to be several levels below actual criticism. If you want this to stop, then make an effort to stop it.
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J-117
10:30 pm | September 11, 2003
alpha lance, you are a shining example of maturity man, keep it up and sergeant b just drop it aight just cuz u jeaulous and shit...
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Walker
9:27 pm | September 11, 2003
By "peace out", I assume you mean "out with peace"? And Wiley, I think you could use some help out there. *Hoists an M60 MG over his shoulder, and with three bandoleers over his shoulder, sets up a machinegun nest out of Alpha's window*
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Alpha Lance
8:27 pm | September 11, 2003
Yeah, alright Brendan, come over here and try to kick my ass. But I got an idea, why don't you Sergant B and Brendan, just stop reading my stories and stop commenting on my story column. And I will stop reading and commenting on your stories Sergant B. It work out for the both of us.
And Sergant B, your the one that blew it. You could had said some helpful stuff instead of saying jackass stuff. Not only did you blew it, but you just lost a fan. Peace out.
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Wiley
7:30 pm | September 11, 2003
I think brandon is going to rape Alpha. *Goes to alphas hous and camps out with shotgun*
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Alpha Lance
11:20 am | September 11, 2003
I'm 14 btw. But I'm really not going to go down to your level. And it shows that I'm not child, your the child, and your just hatin. But if you don't like my stories, than don't read them. And also, don't come to my column, no one doesn't want what you have to say. And shows some reaspect, if you have any. Peice out.
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Sergeant B
11:02 am | September 11, 2003
How can I be jealous of a little 7 year old's stories? And the pointers I gave were for your sake. I really tryed to help you man. And Jinkaiden XI, I really want all the crticism to stop, but I have to stick with the program. If crtisicism is the key to the comments, I'm in. If the key to comments here is helping people, I'm in. If you're supposed to give ratings, I'm in dudes.
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Walker
10:35 am | September 11, 2003
i think we should request louis woo to get two very annoying idiots off this place.
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Sergeant B
10:30 am | September 11, 2003
That wasn't to you Lancey Fancy.
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Sergeant B
1:21 am | September 11, 2003
Guess everyones sleepin'. Brendan, get outta here!
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Sergeant B
1:21 am | September 11, 2003
Meet you at 0100 Bredan.
ASSHOLEBASTARDFUCKSHIT.
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Sergeant B
1:12 am | September 11, 2003
Hey man. You blew it. I was going to help you on Halo Trilogy but you just blew it. And I thought you don't read my comments to you. Well, I hope for the best if there is any.
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Brendan Harther
1:03 am | September 11, 2003
Hey Lancey, what's up? So you got medicine for your anger disease or are they lockin' you up in a cell at the Federal Jail?
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Brendan Harther
12:59 am | September 11, 2003
Why don't I go to your house and beat you up!
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Alpha Lance
10:33 pm | September 10, 2003
You know, Sergant B, the reason you say that my stories suck and all. Is because you a jelouse of my stories. You know you can cronstructive critism, but you desided to use Jackass critism. It just goes to show that you don't have alot of class.
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Jinkaiden-XI
9:59 pm | September 10, 2003
Actually, the constant names for the Spartans is a bit confusing. However, I still support my other statements.
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Alpha Lance
9:57 pm | September 10, 2003
Yeah, Sergant B started to be helpfull intil he said little man.
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Wado
9:41 pm | September 10, 2003
Heh? easy Walker...LOL
Sergeant B's comment was good and hopefully helpful. Using the same names as Spartan's in FoR is confusing. Even a note at the top of the story explaining they are not the same people could help.
However the "little man" comment is uncalled for and, to me, it kind of ruined the whole comment that Sergeant B wrote.
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Jinkaiden-XI
9:39 pm | September 10, 2003
This is ridiculous.
Sergeant B, you're making a big deal out of nothing. Where we get out names and inspiration from is our own choice, and it really isn't something you should expect us to improve on. If things around here followed your own ways, I'm close to positive it would be nothing Halo recreations.
I don't know why people like you come along to make comments like these, but I wish it would stop. Nobody wants to here from two people who demand so much from people.
Jinkaiden-XI
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Walker
8:49 pm | September 10, 2003
And now the warmonger begs for peace?
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Sergeant B
7:48 pm | September 10, 2003
Here is some pointers little dude that has anger problems. Okay, first, use spellcheck to make your grammar and spelling better.
2, please don't use any Spartan or Master Chief in your stories. I know I thought they were Spartans, but I guess I was wrong. But try to make characters that aren't alike to Spartans. Why in the name of Hell would a guy name John know about Halo. And John is the Master Chief's original name, so it sounded like HE was the Master Chief.
3rd, try to use names that aren't from Halo: The Fall of Reach. KELLY is a name from Halo. And it sounded like a girl. That was more thinking she was from halo.
Well I hope you read this and find this help useful in your next stories little man.
Good luck and Peace.
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hornet34
11:58 am | September 10, 2003
Good point Walker, By 2552 we'll all probably be marrying the same sex or robots or aliens or something, just kidding. Alpha, feel free to send me your next chapter, and sorry about saying Kelly was a Spartan, my mistake.
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Walker
11:11 am | September 10, 2003
i know Kelly ain't a girl, i figgered that one out a long time ago.
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Covie Killer
11:06 am | September 10, 2003
It was good, but I didn't really like all that crying stuff.
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Alpha Lance
11:06 am | September 10, 2003
And just so y'all know, I like proofread this story ten times, and I notice that I didn't put a ' in it's. But this was after I submited my story. And I probaly will send my next chapter to Hornet, just to fix the grammer, spelling, and tense.
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Sergeant B
10:28 am | September 10, 2003
We'll give you pointers little man.
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Brendan Harther
10:21 am | September 10, 2003
We use Windows messanger to contact each other you asshole.
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Sergeant B
10:19 am | September 10, 2003
Alpha Lance, you are really wrong. We live really close to each other. Geez, you are so crappy.
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J-117
3:34 am | September 10, 2003
contact me on AIM alpha lance I need to talk to u, send a messege to MasterChief 510
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J-117
3:32 am | September 10, 2003
good shit mang, and too all the people that is wonderin bout kelly, its a guy alright u dumbshits, I have met many guys with the name kelly before. its actually an abriviation of kelsey.
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J-117
3:32 am | September 10, 2003
and to anybody who still says that alpha lance sux. YOU WILL BE HACKED, GET THAT IN YOUR FUCKING HEADS ASSHOLES. and you made a superb inprovement man, alpha. u remind me of my good days as a writer. ah. good times...
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Walker
12:32 am | September 10, 2003
i never said we all would be. i just said common practice. i myself would never do such a thing. anyway, it might not happen because of some sudden aids epidemic that pretty much kills off all such relaionships. what the future holds, we don't know. we have to trust in God Almighty.
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Alpha Lance
9:30 pm | September 9, 2003
Yeah sorry about all of the emotionnal mussey stuff. Besides Kelly going to join his wife very soon, and he is not a girl.
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Walker
9:07 pm | September 9, 2003
girls don't marry girls... heh heh. that may be what you think. the way things are going in our world, that's probably going to be common practice by 2552.
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Walker
9:05 pm | September 9, 2003
Also: the psychiatric sessions Kelly and Shadow had are getting a bit uncomfortable. I understand Kelly's grief and Shadow's wondering, but you don't have to make them get all emotional all the time...
Still, the story was awesome. 9.8/10.
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Walker
8:56 pm | September 9, 2003
I think by now that it is very obvious (to me at least) that Sarge B and Brendan are the same person. The evidence, you ask? Here it is:
Not only do Sarge B and Brendan always agree with each other, but right at the begining of this forum they posted their comments in this order:
11:28, SB
11:28, BH
11:30, SB
11:32, SB
11:33, BH
Whoever Sarge B and Brendan are, they need to stick with one name. I used to do the same thing, but not so poorly as to have 5 posts in a row, all agreeing back and forth, and at least my names argued with each other. But I realized the uselessness of this and stopped. So can they, because, I think we'll all agree, it's getting quite annoying.
Also, I commend Alpha on another amazing story. Still, that poor grammar brings it down. I very firmly suggest you send your stories to Hornet34 to improve, since his grammar is usually superb.
Semper Fi
-Walker
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Hunter_Killer
8:27 pm | September 9, 2003
"You need to please at least half you audience, or you will be considered a ****. I do that, all the time."
I have spoken. lol, good story. Little lacking on action; WANT MORE ACTION!!!!! WANT MMMOOOORRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Action!
Also, verb/nown stuff like that.
Cheers! =)
- Hunter_Killer, now offical creater of 27 Stories on this site(Count em, if you no belive me) =)
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Alpha Lance
8:13 pm | September 9, 2003
Alright for one, Kelly is a man. Two, I not going to read Sergant B's and Brendan Harther's comments anymore, because y'all aren't helping anymore. As for Wado and Hornet, thank you for the help. I will keep that in mind about the dialog and the tense. Wado and Hornet, y'all were very helpful, and that's the kind of comments I like to get. And it wasn't harsh one bit. And also, Brendan, if you had read the damn story, you would know that the Spartan (Shadow) doesn't have a WIFE! It's Kelly that has a WIFE. And he is not a SPARTAN. But, thank you Wado, Hornet, and Kaboose. Take care.
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Wado
7:35 pm | September 9, 2003
Okay then. Nice job Alpha Lance. I can see you put more work into this one. Keep it up.
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Kaboose
7:24 pm | September 9, 2003
Guys...you don't have to be so harsh about this...just give him some constructive critisism...not try and beat him down with words...
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Wado
4:55 pm | September 9, 2003
Hmm... I think this story visually looks much better. I also think the grammar is better, although your noun and verb agreement needs work. The spelling is also better but still not as much improved as the rest.
Now I can read the story...LOL
Anyway, I give you an "A" for effort Alpha Lance, I see lots of improvement. Keep this up and I can start ripping into your stories for things like character development, plot, and stuff like that... oh joy... all in giving you constructive comments. I only usually rip into authors that I think have a lot of talent and would be receptive of the comments. :)
Let's start with: I thought it odd in your last story when you have Kelly as a man, but I see in your stories that she is a he... I have no problem there as long as you stay consistent.
Now some advice. When you write about actions that already happened such as what someone said, please use the past tense of the verb. You did this most of the time, but a few times such as "asks" should have been "asked" (past tense) because Shadow (in this case) already said it. The next thing is watch your noun verb agreement, such as "Shadow walk..." should have been "Shadow walks" (present tense) or "Shadow walked" (past tense). I don't care the tense, that is a stylistic thing, but the noun and verb must agree.
Well good luck Alpha Lance. I enjoyed reading the story. Keep up the writing and relax a bit, it ain't a race, let the story tell itself, try not to rush it.
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hornet34
4:28 pm | September 9, 2003
Well, those two let you have it, so I'll try to provide a little constructive criticism without being too harsh. First off, Kelly can be a guys name, so thats no big deal, BUT, Spartans are trained from an early age and this guy didn't join until after already having a family, so there is a discrepancy there.
Second, your dialogue is redundant. Your third paragraph:
"Alright. Kelly replied. "And you can take them two marines. And I will search the outside of the base. And you will search the interiors of the base. And we will meet back here when we are all done."
He said 'and' four times, to start sentences no less. No one talks like that. Its better said:
"Alright," Kelly replied. "You take the other two marines and search the interior; me and my team will be covering the outside. Meet us back here when you're through."
That way you don't lose any of the conversation and it sounds more realistic.
Other points of interest. You seem to switch from third person to first person several time. At one point, there is a conversation going on, then all of a sudden, "Daniel sits down on a nearby chair and explains why." Learn how to stay in first-person and describe those situations.
Also, you don't need to italicize Great Britain, its a country.
Finally, I understand you wanted to put some emotion in your stories, but a little transition before Shadow suddenly thinks of his parent and starts crying would be nice.
I said it before and I'll say it again, you have serious potential, but grammatical errors are seriously hampering your writing. If you want, you can email your next chapter to me at hornet34x@hotmail.com (dont forget the x) and I'll edit it for you.
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Brendan Harther
10:33 am | September 9, 2003
Yup. The same thing as Sergeant B.
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Sergeant B
10:32 am | September 9, 2003
The grammar and spelling is as bad as the rest. You should read it over. Not just SUBMIT it before you reread it Alpha Lance. Please do that in your next chapter. Your grammar and spelling has really been bad lately.
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Sergeant B
10:30 am | September 9, 2003
Nice one Brendan.
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Brendan Harther
10:28 am | September 9, 2003
Yup. Girls don't marry girls. And how could a Spartan have a wife or husband if they were stolen from their families when they were SIX. Please make a revised version if you could.
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Sergeant B
10:28 am | September 9, 2003
I read your story and it said KELLY had a wife. You know girls can't marry girls. Have you gone insane?
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